September 30th, 2008
I’m subbing today. Yes, my mom is with Nick, and I am actually out in the work world trying to have a somewhat “normal” day! I am in the BD (Behavior Disorder) room today where kids often come when they are not doing what they should be doing in class.
I had to laugh today when one of the students who had been brought down to the classroom looked over at another boy and said, “So what are you in here for?” Actually, I laughed out loud. It was so cute and so innocent and yet so powerful when you think about it.
Kids know when they’ve done something wrong, and kids know that punishment is the consequence. And yet, time and time again many of these kids seem to make the wrong choices placing them right back where they had been the day before….
Aren’t we just like kids?
I know how to be patient. I know how to control my tongue. I know how to encourage my husband and not discourage him. I know how to praise my kids rather than belittle them. I know how keep my thoughts focused on things above. I know how to trust God even though life is very uncertain.
Just like a child, I find myself “right back where I was before” so many times. Feeling disappointed in myself, feeling depressed, feeling guilty, feeling lonely, and the list goes on and on.
The next time I find myself having one of those days where I’m feeling much less worthy of the name Christian than I’d like, I am going to look in the mirror and say, “So, what are you in here for?”
Maybe then, I can begin to hold myself more accountable.
Paul knew just how I feel when he said, “The things I want to do, I don’t do; and the things I don’t want to do, I do.”
I will be looking for Paul when I get to Heaven, because I want to give him a hug and tell him, “thank you” for being honest. He could very easily have been the boy in my class today who was trying to figure out what he had done wrong…………this time.
Grateful for the wisdom of a child’s heart,
PS Nick is having a good day with Mamaw!
September 24th, 2008
September 19th, 2008
September 17th, 2008
September 16th, 2008
Well, here’s the truth—–
I woke up this morning and had this anxious feeling that I couldn’t quite explain. Nick had had a really rough night. He didn’t sleep well and I didn’t either. Mom was here, so I decided to run a few errands. I stopped by our church to order new books for the ladies’ Sunday school class that I am in, and I did something I have never done before. I stopped in the prayer room at church and got on my knees to pray for Nick. As I knelt there on the floor, I had this uneasy feeling come over me as I realized that there were so many others who needed prayer………..and yet as I knelt there, very few names came into my mind. I felt ashamed. How could I ask over and over again for prayers for Nick and then not be able to remember others who needed prayer as well?
I decided that what I needed was a dry erase board for my frig! I would start writing down the names of those who needed prayer! I left the church and drove to Family Dollar. No luck. I then drove to Dollar General Store……still no dry erase boards, but guess what they did have? Boston Baked Beans! Before I knew it, I was in line buying myself a bag of these little treats….and a can of cashews too!
I headed for KMart popping candy in my mouth the entire way. Have you ever seen someone who is driving and eating at the same time? I mean eating like they have been on a hunger strike for weeks? That’s how I think I must have looked. It really disgusts me to even think about it, but that’s what I do when I feel edgey and out of sorts. I just eat without even thinking about it, and that is really sad.
Anyway, as I pulled into the KMart parking lot I saw a Grayson Parking Enforcement vehicle which made me think, “Do we have our city sticker yet?” I called Tim, and he didn’t think we even needed those anymore since they had changed the way they were doing taxes. But I just had this feeling that it was one of those days where I didn’t want to take my chances and I decided to go on home.
So, here I sit tonight. The same “dry erase board-less me” that I was this morning. The same
“aimless pray-er” that I was this morning. The only difference is that I am now totally stuffed with Boston Baked Beans.
I write this blog entry tonight as a way of holding myself accountable to two things:
First, I am buying my prayer board tomorrow, and I am beginning to pray with much more commitment to those I love and to all of you who ask for prayer.
Second, I am going to STOP eating when I am not even hungry! Especially when driving down the road!
I should have known when I walked down the candy aisle that I would not find a dry erase board there!
I should have know that taking time to pray at church this morning wasn’t really a “Tammy-time for Nick.” It was a “God-time for Tammy.” Isn’t that just how God works?
We think we are praying for what is on our heart when really God is using our prayer time to work on our heart.
I should have known that God had a plan all along! I am thankful that He did!
I will update you on Nick tomorrow! I have missed you all so much! God used Boston Baked Beans to wake me up to the needs of others! I am so thankful!
September 11th, 2008
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
you will weep no more.
How gracious he will be when your cry for help!
As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
September 8th, 2008
Last night, I was cleaning out our deep freeze (finally). Olivia was in the garage with me riding around on a skateboard. As I pulled out some of the food, an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me as I realized how little Nick is eating right now, and before I knew it I had begun to cry.
I looked over at Olivia and said, “Oliva, Nick is very sick. The doctors don’t think he is going to make it.” Olivia looked at me and said, “Why did you have to tell me that?” I looked down and began crying even more. Olivia ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me and held me really tight. Then while still holding me, she said the following words:
“Mommy, I’ve been thinking about this for a long, long time. Do you remember when Adrienne died”
I said, “Yes.”
Then Olivia said, “And then you adopted me?”
I said, “Yes.”
She replied, “Well, I didn’t replace Adrienne. She is still with us, and I don’t think Nick is going to die.”
I just held her and cried and cried. It was one of those moments I don’t ever want to forget.
After I regrouped emotionally, I finished the deep freeze and Olivia went back to skateboarding, but I think we both felt better than we had before.
Olivia is right, Nick will never die…..no matter what happens here on this earth.
And I am still praying for an earthly miracle!
I just had to share Olivia’s sweet words with you all.
God bless you and thank you for sharing this journey with our family.
If you would like to be on my prayer email update list, just email me at:
I will add you immediately!
Thanks for checking in and keeping Nick in your daily prayers! I love you all so much!
September 5th, 2008
September 2nd, 2008
11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
14 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”
15 The LORD said to him, “Go back the way you came……………….
As I think back over my past few blog entries, I can’t help but feel a little connection with Elijah.
See, in I Kings 18, Elijah had been one of God’s brave spokesmen. He had stood up against 450 prophets of Baal in a very dramatic challenge. These prophets had called on Baal all day long trying to get him to start the fire of their sacrifices, but Baal never answered them or responded to their screams and pleading. After watching this production for hours, Elijah called his men together and told them to pour water all over the wood of his sacrifice three times! Then he called on God to start his fire, and a fire came that was so powerful that it not only burned the sacrifice and wood completely but also the stones and soil….. AND the water was “licked from the trench.”
You would think that after seeing God perform in such mighty ways, Elijah would have walked away feeling confident that God was on his side and in control……….
But no, Elijah, just like us, was soon overcome with fear by a threat from Jezebel and the Bible says he “ran for his life.” After he was far enough away to feel a little safe, he sat down under a tree and told God that he had had enough and literally asked God to take his life.
I love that the next thing that happened was that Elijah fell to sleep two different times and both times was attended to by angels who told him to, “Get up and eat.” He then journeyed for 40 days to a cave where God found him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
That’s how I feel tonight! I feel like God is saying to me,
“What are you doing here, Tammy?!
You have seen Me do amazing things! You have proclaimed My strength and power and peace to so many and now you have curled up in a ball in your little “cave” (ok, your house) and become fearful and full of doubt in My ability to PROTECT AND SUSTAIN YOU!”
Not once, but twice God had to ask Elijah the same question. I’m not sure why God asks him twice….Elijah gives the same exact answer both times. Maybe God wants Elijah to “hear” what he is saying. Don’t you think that’s how we are sometimes? We have to step out of our caves and listen for God……and sometimes hearing God isn’t as easy as hearing the earth quake, or a fire burning, or a whirlwind roaring.
Sometimes God whispers.
I know as a teacher one of the best ways to get my class’ attention was to talk very softly so that they had to really listen to hear my voice! God is so wise!
So, as I write tonight I look back over the past few weeks of fear and depression and I thank God for his continual efforts to speak to me………..and I thank Him for all of you who encourage me and my family with prayers and words of love.
And then I think, so what am I supposed to do now? And I read about Elijah’s depression and fear. I read about his running. I read about his hiding in a cave. I read about God whispering to get his attention. And then I desperately read on for God’s advice to Elijah, and I have to smile! Did you catch the beginning of God’s words to Elijah after Elijah poured out his heart about the fact that his life was in danger and that he felt like “no one” was left but him?
God simply started His advice with the words, “Go back the way you came….”
So tonight, I am committing to all of you that I am going to do just that….
I am going back the way I came!
That means that I am going to regain my strength, my sleep, my hope, my peace, my joy, my energy, my passion, my love, my everything!!!!!
God has been with my family EVERY step of the way on this journey with Nick, AND HE WILL NOT ABANDON US NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That means I can give God my marriage, my kids, my life, my all…………….and trust Him for tomorrow’s needs!
Which by the way include giving me the strength to reenter the working world for a few hours!
Mom is coming early tomorrow morning to stay with Nick so I can go back to the middle school where I taught and sub for four hours for a friend of mine!
Yes, I am going to go back the way I came! And reclaim God’s mercy and love!
Oh, thank you, dear friends, for walking into the cave with me and helping me find my way out to the mountain where I could hear God whisper,
What are you doing here, Tammy?!?!