~ Lamentations 3:25
I woke up in the darkness of the night with Nick sleeping near me, and I was overcome with a feeling that I needed to get up and go to my Bible. I didn’t feel totally prepared for Sunday school this morning, so I felt that God was saying, “Now is your chance.” I tossed and turned for a bit hoping I would fall back to sleep and that I was just imagining the call from God to “rise and shine” at 4:30 in the morning.
Finally, at 4:54 I knew sleep was not coming so I slipped to the kitchen and got a little glass of orange juice and headed to my Bible.
It is now 6:27 a.m. I have been from Psalms to Hebrews to I Thessalonians to II Corinthians……it has been a great reminder that this world is not our home. We are on a pilgrimage with a destination that will place us at the feet of our Heavenly Father and will surpass any beauty and wonder we ever experience while on this planet. I have enjoyed my quiet time so much.
However, before slipping back to bed for hopefully an hour of rest before the day begins, I decided to check Nick’s website and my email. As I clicked to Nick’s site and started scrolling through past memories, I found myself overcome with emotion.
As I type, the tears are rolling down my cheeks and dripping onto my pajamas uncontrollably. I just read of two more little girls who have passed away this week from brain tumors, and I look at Nick’s pictures from this summer and I realize how different he looks now and how his smile has weakened. My heart feels the struggle between KNOWING how wonderful Heaven will be and NEVER WANTING to see another child of mine go there before me. It has been 16 1/2 years since we lost Adrienne and yet the memory of the pain of the loss is almost more than I can bear. So, my tears this morning are 100% for me………..not for Adrienne or even for Nick, although I ache to see him suffer in any way.
As I was caught up in all of this, I went to my email and the Scripture above was the Scripture for today in KLove’s email. I couldn’t help but feel that God was once again saying to me….
“Keep depending upon me. Keep searching for me. I will be good to you.”
So, as I leave the computer to crawl back into bed, I am overwhelmed with emotions.
Fear. Confusion. Sadness. I cannot lie. I cannot pretend that my heart is not full of all of these emotions.
And yet, under all of these worldly feelings, I still sense…….
Thanksgiving. Joy. Peace. Contentment. Hope.
Thank you for every prayer for me as I strive to depend on God and search for Him.
I long to know Him so much more than I do now.
I still praise Him for the miracle that Nick already is! It has been a month since the MRI that was so devastating. I have to believe and praise God for Nick’s ability to still watch movies, read books, and have basically good days. I long to see Nick totally healed,and I will continue praying for this miracle.
Thankful for each of you,