I just don’t like some "times…."

Ecclesiastes 3
3b a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance…..
I remember the day when I woke up and realized that if Nick were going to be able to move freely from our house to the yard then we were going to have to build a ramp so that his wheelchair could leave the house without being lifted.

It was a sad day in many ways. Facing the reality that Nick couldn’t walk just broke my heart.

But then it was an exciting day, too, because suddenly Nick wasn’t “trapped” in the house!
He was able to reenter the beautiful green yard and move about as freely as he wanted to within the safety of his new life. I remember him sliding up the foot rests of the wheelchair so that he could rub his feet on the blades of grass below him. He was such an amazing kid! He soaked up even that little pleasure of being near the grass with such dignity and joy!
He is truly my inspiration.

Well, the day came almost as suddenly when I realized that we didn’t need the ramp anymore.
Nick had been released from his pain, his inability to walk! He was now running on the streets of gold!!!
So, with just as much sadness as we had built the ramp, we had it removed. Thankfully, a dear friend did this for us while we were not home. Thank you, J!
Today, the ramp finally left our yard. We wanted someone to use it. It was such a nice ramp. So we put the word out and very quickly found that their was a family who could benefit from it.
But I don’t think I was prepared for seeing it leave our driveway in the back of a pick-up truck.
I watched out the window as part of Nick’s story was taken away forever. A part that brings memories both happy and sad.
I’ve cried a lot tonight. More than I have in weeks. I think it’s been building for a while.
I have a pretty good headache now. I’ve had some deep talks with God…..laid it all out there….my questions, my confusion, my emptiness……………..
I texted my mom (I couldn’t call), and I guess the truth is just like I said it to her…..
“I don’t understand. I never will.”
Yes, I know God has a plan.
I had coffee with a friend tonight who is going through a different kind of suffering, and we shared our pain. I can look at her and so easily see that “God has a beautiful plan.”
But when I look at myself……
It’s harder to see how God can change my tears to laughter, my mourning to dancing…..
I just have to trust Him.
In His time,
In His time,
He makes all things beautiful,
In His time.
I just don’t like some of those “times.”
Eager to see Nick “dancing” with the angels!

7 thoughts on “I just don’t like some "times…."

  1. Sending lots of love and many hugs tonight.

    Missing Nick’s sweet smile.

    In time, we will be together again.

    Looking forward to meeting your special sonā™„

  2. As I read this tears welled up in my eyes. How hard it must be to slowly let go and move on…piece by piece.

    You know with spring and summer just around the corner those little yellow butterflies will be out in mass. I’ll pray for you and your family everytime I see one and I’ll be thankful for everything I so easily look passed…like green grass under my feet.

    Thank you so much for who you are.Thank you for all the pain you have had to go through because of God’s plan. Thank you for continuing your love for God through all the pain because it’s that which draws others near to him. I’m so sorry you were chosen for this job but God knows something about you that we don’t…that maybe even you don’t. So as hard as life is without your babies, good can come of it all because you allow it to.

    Thank you, Thank you so much for who you are.

    One great big hug is coming your way, Cheri

  3. Praying for you today…

    Loving the image of Nick contentedly enjoying the grass in his yard….AND of him dancing on streets of gold!!

    Sending you hugs…Jennifer

  4. As I read this, I was reminded of the day we were painting the garage/new room. He had been inside most of the day. But that evening before the sun went down, he and a friend each got a wheelchair and had races to the end of the street! We all smiled knowing he was trying so hard to enjoy himself. I think he would be so proud of you guys for letting another family get use out of the ramp – so maybe they could get out of the house this spring and race!

    Love you,

  5. Tammy,
    I try to read your blog site as often as I can. I have drawn so much strength from you. I have had a child taken away from me too soon also, but I look forward to the day of seeing him and your Nick and Adrienne. You are an amazing woman and a true vessel from above. God Bless you sister.

  6. My heart aches for you today Tammy. I am so sorry. I am praying that God’s peace will come and fill those empty places as you walk past the deck where the ramp once was and remember Nick. Nick’s smile is so life-giving and every time I see it on your blog, my soul is filled with joy. What an amazing son you have!!! I can’t wait to see His smile reflected on those streets of gold. We love you and we are praying for you at the P31 office. You and Nick and your family are forever in our hearts!!!