Maybe it’s the arrival of November tomorrow that has my heart and mind spinning with memories of Nick.

Maybe it’s the fact that my mom and dad are walking this road all over again with my dad who is facing six weeks of radiation to his vocal chords after a biopsy that came back including the word “cancer.”

I’m not sure why every verse I’ve read the last few days has echoed with the past,

but for whatever reason God is reminding me of His faithfulness again this morning.

I remember claiming this passage when Nick was sick.

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.

Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  

So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.

I remember adding the word “cancer” to these verses and reading it like this:

Do not be afraid of cancer that can kill the body but cannot kill the soul.

Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

So don’t be afraid of cancer; you are worth more than many sparrows.

“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.

As I would pray, I would remind myself that if God knows and cares even a sparrow falls to the ground,

then He knew and cared about Nick.

And I knew that no matter what, Nick’s soul was safe.

That comforted me.

But I never knew God would use this passage to let me know that Nick was going to die.

I was walking to the car one day, carrying out a load of things for our next trip to the hospital.

As I walked along the sidewalk in our backyard, nearing the gate in our fence,

I stepped on something that I thoughts was one of the boys toys from the pool.

I kept walking and placed my armful of pillows and blankets in the backseat of our van.

As I came back through the backyard, I happened to look down as I was nearing the door of our house.

I froze.

I bent down and was horrified to discover that I had stepped on a newborn baby bird, fatherless, grey, and now lifeless.

My breath stopped for a minute as I knew deep inside my soul that God KNEW what had just happened.

He saw the baby bird fall.

He KNEW where I would walk,

and in the moment in time that is etched so deeply in my heart,

I knew and believed that He also cared about this bird.

I kept looking at this bird and thinking,

“God knew you fell, and now you are dead…because of me.”

My mind spun with the reality that even though God cared about this bird and knew that it had fallen from the safety of its nest,

it had still died.

I didn’t want to hear what was going through my mind next,

but I couldn’t stop the thought pattern.

I knew God was using this moment to prepare me.

He was using this tiny, seemingly-insignificant-to-many-on-most-days event to prepare me for something bigger than my heart could ever bear alone.

As I stood on the sidewalk in my backyard all alone,

I knew God was there.

I knew He was with me and I knew He had been with the tiny dead bird as it fell,

and He was saying this to me in my heart,

“Tammy, I loved that bird.  I care about that bird. 

I knew that it fell, but I didn’t kill the bird, Tammy.

  You did. “

Before I could even scream, “NO!”

I felt God saying these words gently to my breaking heart.

“Tammy, I love Nick.  I care about Nick. 

I know that He is sick, but I’m not killing Nick, Tammy. 

Cancer is.”

In that moment, I knew two things like I had never known before.

First, I knew deep inside me that Nick was going to die.

Second, I knew that God was just as sad as I was.

I’m not trying to say that cancer had more power than God.

But I am saying that every single story can’t end with an earthly miracle,

and because of that, I believe God grieves with us when He chooses to allow the suffering of this earth to happen.

My dad’s prognosis is very good.

But please still pray for him and my mom as they face the schedule of the next few months.

Pray they are able to fill the days with happy memories along with the many doctor’s appointments and medical procedures.

Pray they feel God’s presence in powerful ways in waiting rooms and in their travels.

And today, if you feel alone or afraid,

please know this.

God wants to walk through every minute of today with you.

If He knows when a sparrow falls,

He knows what you’re facing today.

And He cares deeply.