Long nights with little sleep.
It’s hard to even remember all the things that used to be part of my motherhood story.
Like the voices of my children floating through the house,
the memories of things that once completely wore me out are slowly fading away.
I’m not sure if these memories seem foggy because they feel so distant,
or if they’ve just been buried under all the new things motherhood has brought my way.
I try to get up early.
Spend time with God before I walk out the door.
Read my Bible.
Plow through the Old Testament stories of God trying desperately to lead His people to a better land.
Drink hot tea.
And all the while,
my mind wanders……
just like the Israelites in the desert.
Are my kids okay?
Are they happy?
Do they know how much I love them?
Are they searching too?
Do they want to know Him more than they did yesterday?
Did I do enough to make that pursuit attractive?
For me, the hardest part of motherhood is definitely this newest chapter.
Trusting God to fill in all the gaps,
cover all the wounds,
be the feathers I used to be.
And as I think those words,
He’s had enough.
He pries my hands away from all I’m clinging to and very gently says,
“I’ve always been their feathers.”
I look up.
Toward the wall in front of me.
childhood artwork drawn by little hands.
Chapters of life I thought I controlled.
Who did I think I was?
I stumbled then just as I stumble now.
I may have been carrying my kids,
but God was carrying me.
And does that mean He was carrying them too?
Why do I fret?
Why do I allow so much of my mind to become consumed with their journeys,
their relationships with God………………….
when I often struggle with my very own??
Motherhood never ends –
But neither does God’s pursuit of me
or my children……………..
After all, they were His long before He loaned them to me.
And He uses everything to keep them close or draw them back,
the hard times and the easy,
whatever it takes to pull them closer to Him.
as I head toward a day filled with my own kind of work,
I’ve got to allow God to do His.
Maybe confessing my struggle to the world will somehow completely release my heart and mind from all that’s been weighing them down.
Help me, Lord.
I am one of yours.
and my children are too.
You love them each more than I ever could.
What more do I really need to know today?
You’re always working for good.
Draw my children near to You.
Cover them with your feathers.
As you always have.
And let me fly………………….freely trusting You to meet their every need.
I love you so much, Lord.
Thank you for pulling me back to you,
time and time again.
for the first time in a long time,
I feel a little better.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.