I remember the morning of Olivia’s birthday last week how Olivia was having a kind-of “blue” birthday. It was a snow day (again), so she wouldn’t be seeing her friends at school like she had hoped. As far as she knew there were no big plans for her special day…..
It was just another day.
I was trying to “sneak” around and get everything in order for her surprise party, but I vividly remember feeling a little sorry for Olivia because she had no clue that anything special was coming. She tried to invite a few friends over, and they all seemed to be busy. Little did she know that they were all planning to surprise her in just a few hours.
As I left the house to run some errands, Olivia sat alone on the couch watching a cartoon. I leaned back in the door and said, “Olivia, everything I’m doing today is for your birthday. Trust me. It will be a good birthday.” And I left.
Eventually a few friends showed up to go sledding for a while, which did help pass the afternoon, but as I was driving from our house to run a few birthday errands, I remember so clearly the feeling that overcame me as I felt God was trying to say this to me,
“Tammy, you are Olivia. You do not know all the things I have waiting for you. The plans I am orchestrating at this very moment so that one day there will be a celebration like you have never seen or could even imagine. Please just trust me.”
I felt so reborn in that moment.
It was as if something clicked inside me that I already believed was true, but I had never seen played out so clearly in “real life.”
Olivia had to make a choice to either trust me and have a great day or not trust me and be miserable all day.
We all have a choice too.
We can either trust God and have a great life or not trust Him and be miserable.
So, when I sometimes read about a breakthrough in brain tumor research, I have to take a deep breath and not get angry because it came too late for Nick. Or when a friend is struggling because of an unfaithful spouse and I can’t fix the problem, I have to pray that God will work in ways I simply can’t. Or another friend is deep in grief and I’m not sure what to say, I have to pray that His Comfort will be enough. Or when I watch the news and see the devastation in Haiti…………………..
I have to trust God.
Not that he caused the cancer or the divorce or the loss of another child or the earthquake,
but that He will take the imperfections of this world and somehow use them to draw people closer to Him.
I watched Wall-e tonight with Olivia for the first time.
The people in the “perfect world” had no worries, no problems, no need to even walk…………they floated through space being fed and entertained constantly. But guess what? They began to g
et bored and grumble, and in the end, they were finally able to get back to planet earth where they had to grow crops and work and rebuild destroyed cities………..but they were happy again!
God knows us better than we know ourselves.
Perfection on this planet is never going to happen. And even if it could, we wouldn’t appreciate it for long in our earthly bodies.
So, God uses our pain and sadness and questions to teach us compassion and trust. He uses our struggles to draw us back to Him over and over again.
Tonight, as I think about my grandpa being safe at Home and as I think about the accident that Maria (our son Evan’s girlfriend) was in today (here are a couple pictures of her car) where her car was totaled but her life was spared, I have many questions about life and death. And at the same time, I am thankful that I do not understand the mysteries of God’s plan.
I am, oh, so thankfu
l that Maria is still here, but I am equally sad that my friend’s daughter is not. I am very thankful that many kids may be cured from brain cancer some day, but I am also very sad that Nick was not.
What do I do with these conflicting emotions?
I think I do just what I wanted Olivia to do on her birthday when everything didn’t appear as it should to her.
I simply trust.
And in trusting I am free to stop questioning. I am free to rest in the Promise that one day my faith will be sight!
And oh, what a glorious day that will be!!!!
Full of Questions but Trying to Patiently Wait for Answers,
In December of 2007 as our youngest son, Nick, was fighting brain cancer, I began to blog. Writing provided a way for me to release all of my questions, fears, and doubts. It also allowed me to share the ups and downs of Nick's journey with people who were praying for him all over the world. When Nick went Home in November of 2008, my blog became my way of searching for God in the midst of my deep heartache. My heart was broken and grief brought to the surface every emotion imaginable. Being able to release those emotions through my writing brought a sense of purpose to my pain. Having already walked the road of grief in 1992 when we lost our daughter to SIDS, I knew I needed a way to keep from falling into a pit of depression and despair. I had walked close to the edge of a bottomless pit when we lost our daughter,and I knew I couldn't let myself get that close to the edge again. This blog has been and continues to be my tiny corner of the world where I can share My Heart as I journey through God's Word.......thus the name........ My Heart His Words. Thank you for taking time to share life with me. If we do not meet while here on earth, I look forward to hearing all about your life when we reach our final destiny.........Heaven! Email me anytime at 
I love you! Thanks!
Tammy, this is GREAT & inspiring!! Thanks for sharing! It’s something we ALL need to remember. God bless! Love ya, Audrey
Hi Tammy ,
I just wanted to stop to say hi and i love you !
ps: it was ok .today to poste office !
sweet blessings,
Violeta
Tammy, Wow this is just what I needed! Thank you so Much!
Sometimes we just forget to Trust Him with our struggles.
God Bless You
Such a vivid picture of how we should trust God! Thank you for painting it so clearly. Blessings to you.
Oh wow. What a wonderfully written piece. It’s so hard to just trust HIM isn’t it? Wow…I really don’t know what else to say! I’m Karon’s partner for June and it’s nice to “meet” you…which was my original purpose for coming by. Now I’m not sure if I measure up because you other ladies are awesome!! 😉
Simply incredible…
Tammy, you have such a gift with words, and such heart after God.
Love you, and so grateful to know you.
PS Have you considered taking all these posts and making them a wonderful book?
One more thing…
WOW! I’m so blessed Maria was “OK”!!
WOW!! This really was what I needed today. So thankful Maria is okay. Praying for you to have safe travels. Love you so much.
Tammy
The perfect analogy….it certainly is a choice – every day! Sending you a hug!
I find myself going to this blog each day to see what is going on in your life? Only to find it gives me great strength and you have some of the same questions I have. God knows best! I follow God. That is my hope and trust.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with those of us who care…
“You do not know all the things I have waiting for you. The plans I am orchestrating at this very moment so that one day there will be a celebration like you have never seen or could even imagine. Please just trust me.” This hit me hard. I dream and wonder what are the unimaginable things He has planned for me? Is it better than I can dream? Is it better than the marriage restoration I invision?
Beautiful post.
Love,
Paula
Tammy,
Thank you for putting your heart into words. It blessed me.
Love,
Melanie@Bella~Mella (Andrew’s mother)
I wanted to say thank you for those greatly written words! I needed to hear them. I didn’t really get a chance to meet you, however, I did see you at the Genoa Women’s retreat a little while back. I look at your site here and there. But today I looked and read this and it truly touched me. My husband has not worked in 4 years, he had a back injury that put him out. He has been on private disability income since then. I have baby sat in our home to work and be with them. Well 2 weeks before Christmas he got a letter telling us that the disability is done. But proir to that I was promised a new job and took classes to be able to work that job. Well the lady who promised me the job will not return my calls and I have quit my job. So we are now for the first time ever without any income. We have four wonderful children to care for. So I am really struggling with the “trusting” issue right now and really needed to be reminded of it. My life verses are Proverbs 3:5-6 so I know what has to be done it is just doing it that I need to be told over and over again. You are truly a woman of ispiration and I thank God that he placed you here, NOW! God Bless
Mandy Burney
Tammy, I’m printing this one out! On New Year’s Day, I decided that the one word which I would choose for the year to focus on, and the word was “Trust”. This post was exactly what I needed to read! I agree with Susan that you should put all these posts into a book, think how many more people would be blessed by what you have to say. Love you Tammy! You sure brighten my day with your words. I love your blog.