I decided to spend a little time tonight trying to go through the inbox of my yahoo account and do a little housekeeping.

I never dreamed that I would be taking a walk back in time as I discovered that ever since Nick’s death, I have rarely deleted an email.

With nearly 5,000 emails in my inbox, I have spent the past few hours sifting through memories trying to decide what to save and what to delete.  I am down to 3400 emails, but I have to stop for tonight.

My eyes are crossed.  My fingers are weary.  But most of all, my heart is breaking all over again.

I try so hard to stay positive and press on every day in spite of my deep sadness, but tonight after rereading some precious words people wrote to me not long after the loss of Nick, I find myself asking the same question I have asked time and time again,

“Why did he have to die?”

I know there’s no answer.

I know I will  probably never understand this side of Heaven.

But it feels good to just type the words, “WHY?”

It feels good to shout my feelings of injustice even though I know there are millions of others who shout the same feelings every day.

It is liberating every once in a while to just say out loud, “I am sad, and I am not okay with Nick’s death.”

Yes, I know he is in Heaven.

Yes, I know he wouldn’t come back even if he had the chance.

Yes, I know that God can bring good out of the worst situations.

Yes, I know that God still loves me.

But, for tonight, I’m taking a little time to just feel the pain of my loss all over again and know that it is okay to grieve. 

Yesterday, our oldest son turned 24.  Happy birthday, Erich!

On the very same day, we received a call from the cemetery that is owned by the college where my husband teaches.  They wanted to know if we wanted to purchase the two grave sites next to Nick and Adrienne so that we could save them for me and Tim.  They were choosing a location for Paul (our friend who died Tuesday) and didn’t want to use one of those if we wanted it.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am in a bad dream and I’m just trying to make it seem better than it really is.

And then I feel guilty because I know lots of other people feel like this too.

I just didn’t think it was fair to have a moment of such deep sadness and not share it with you when I have shared so many happy moments with you lately.

I guess I need to be sure you know that in spite of my smile, in spite of the joy I feel because of the promise of Heaven, I still experience moments of anguish.

I hope that this post doesn’t sound like I am whining or complaining…….especially since I just wrote this morning about how I want to live a life free of grumbling.

Oh, goodness, how quickly I can slip!

I love you all so much!

Please let me know how I can pray for you.

It helps me to reach outside of myself and be there for others.  That’s what keeps me going.  By the way, Nick’s foundation will be doing a few things in the near future.

This helps me too.

Thank you for loving me on the good days and the bad days,

10 thoughts on “Why?????

  1. oh ((( Tammy )))
    thank you , dear sister, for sharing ALL of you with us. We are blessed beyond words just to ‘know’ you.Your encouraging you, your happy moments you, your grief-struck you, your wondering you, your HIS you… He shines through all your posts.
    I grieve with you, my friend. I have never experienced the loss you have lived thru but my heart can still grieve and cry with yours…
    I love how HE loves us

  2. Dear Friend,

    Tammy, thank you sharing your heart. I completely understand. You are so right, God is good….but sometimes, I think we still have to be honest and say what we feel! Our Malorie should be here with us and I miss her everyday!!

    What a day when we can all be together again with our kids in Heaven! And…I can’t wait to me you too dear friend!

    God Bless,

  3. Tammy:
    I understand those feeling so well and so does our Lord.It has been almost 20 years since our Zachary died with SIDS and at times I still ask why.He knows our hearts and our needs.Praying you feel his love in a very strong way when your heart is at the heaviest. I think our arms will always ache to a certain extent until we see our children again.

  4. Tammy, I don’t know how I would have made it these past several without you on my SHOULDER!!!! I feel the same way you do and most of the times your words are what I am feeling!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! More than you even realize!!!! xoxoxo

  5. It’s not easy for anyone to go through what you and all those many moms do when you lose a child and you lost two to death. And you have the right to ask why, it just plain hurts. But what always amazes me is how you pick yourself up even through the hurt and find something good to share. That’s what keeps me coming to your blog. You are so spirit filled and I need that for myself. You are human, God knows that, and someday we will have our answers. I read quilting blogs. I came upon one the other day by a gal who lost her baby after a day because his lungs were not fully grown. She lost herself in creating quilts. I think everyone finds a way to cope here on earth when our hearts are torn apart. God Bless you Tammy and I will keep you in my prayers. A faithful reader who hopes to meet you someday either here on earth or in heaven. Hugs to you, Sandy

  6. Hugs to you Tammy. Those huge waves can come so quickly! Don’t think that you are complaining, you are FEELING. You are human and are still grieving for your beautiful son. That hole is so hard to get used to, not that I have or ever will get used to it, but you have to allow yourself to think about your sweet boy and allow the sorrow and sadness to come. It’s a part of healing, a part of who you are. I wish I could be there with you, give you a hug, share in the connection that we have because of our boys.
    You are a daughter of God who loves you and knows your heart, your pain and He feels it too.
    I pray that you can feel peace and your precious Nick closeby, loving you.


  7. Tammy, you take the words right out of my heart sometimes! I know our grief is different as yours is for your children and mine is for my sister, but the thoughts and feelings are the same. Thank you for being able to put yours down where others can read. This is such a lonely place to be, even surrounded by those we love. While I don’t want others to suffer, knowing others understand helps.