I was talking on the phone with an old friend tonight.
We were talking about how so many in the world have problems.
She then listed a few things she has faced in life and then said, “God has never let me down.”
Now being in a sort-of sensitive state of my grief, I replied, “I don’t think God really let me down.” (In reference to losing Nick)
But as we got off the phone a little later, I couldn’t get that phrase out of my mind.
I even looked in the mirror at one point later in the evening and said out loud, “God, You didn’t let me down. Well, in a way I feel like You did.”
On this very same evening I talked on the phone to another friend who has recently had a very serious surgery. She said, “I could have died. I don’t know why I lived and Nick didn’t.”
The truth is. Neither do I.
Honestly, my human mommy heart does feel “let down, disappointed….”
From the time Nick was first diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 7 until the day his life could fight no more, I did my best to keep everyone praising God all along the way. I reached out to the world for prayers of healing. Nick was anointed with oil three different times by our elders. We were given bandanas, special blankets, special pieces of cloth, and special hats that had been anointed by others. I truly believed that God could heal Nick.
Everytime Nick was diagnosed with yet another tumor, I turned right back around and put him on God’s lap over and over again. I clung to Scriptures that I had hung all through our home.
But in the end……
Nick is gone.
And the phrase, “God has never let me down,” is ringing in my ears.
I have a sign on the back porch that was made in Africa and was brought to me by a friend who does mission work there. It simply says, “God answers prayer.” I remember showing it to one of our sons last fall one day, and he kind-of rolled his eyes like, ‘yeah, right.'” I worry about him now.
I know it is an age-old question, but I have to throw it out there tonight.
Can God let you down?
I guess tonight I write this as a question to all of you.
I want to say “no” in my Christian heart of deep faith and belief in God’s Providential love and care.
But in my human heart of a mom who is a hurting, I’d love to hear your thoughts. I know they will help me tonight and tomorrow and the next day and the next.
Striving to live a life that is not disappointed,