Yesterday we found out that once again Nick’s cancer is back. Like a bad dream that returns night after night, I face the coming days with the reality that on Monday I will be sitting in Columbus Children’s Hospital waiting for Nick’s fifth surgery to end.
In my mind I know God promises to never leave me or forsake me. I know that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I know that His love endures forever. I know that His mercies are new every morning.
But in my heart, I am a mommy. I see my Nick looking in the mirror at his finally-grown out hair with such excitement, yet I know that on Monday it will once again be gone. I see my Nick playing a video game today, yet I know that on Tuesday his eyes will be bruised and swollen shut. I see my Nick eating whatever his heart desires tonight, yet I know that next week we will be helping him hold a cup to his mouth and balancing his straw for him.
So how do I balance these two parts of my life in a way that allows me to fight the fear within me? It isn’t easy. I am struggling tonight. I can’t lie. I could pretend that I am super-woman, but what would I gain from such an act?
Tonight all I can do to balance my mind and heart is to remind myself that the Bible says, “When I am afraid, I will trust in You, in God, whose word I praise. In God I trust, I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?” (Ps. 56:3,4)
From this verse, I know several things. First, it is okay to be afraid. It doesn’t say, “if I am afraid” it says, “when.” I also know that the truths that my mind knows about God are all I need to know and to trust in right now. God is my Father, my Provider, my Protector, my Comforter, my Guide, my Counselor, my King, my Lord, my Savior…………I do praise His word! Also, the Bible never lets me down. The Bible brings hope and peace. I am so thankful for God’s Word! And finally, no matter what I face here on earth, NOTHING is too big for God! What can mortal man do to me? Nothing! God is on His throne, high and exalted. He holds the future in His hands.
So, tonight, as I prepare for a peaceful night of sleep, I must give all my worries and anxieties to Him who is prepared to hold it. Once I give it all to Him, I must not take it back. That’s the hard part, but it is the only way for me to gain courage and peace.
Nick’s favorite verse has always been, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord our God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Thank you, Father, for being with me through this difficult time. I love you, Lord. I place Nick in your Your hands, Lord. I trust You with Him. Heal him, Lord. In Your Son’s Name I Pray, Amen