Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

he day slipped by and the choice had to be made.

Would I make the phone call or simply pretend it hadn’t entered my mind?

But the truth was:

It had not only entered my mind. It wouldn’t leave my mind.

Today was one of Nick’s lifelong best friend’s birthday.

And Nick had never missed his party…..til now.

I wrestled all day with how to handle the reality that Nick would never be at Jon’s party again. I didn’t really want to know the details of what Nick might be missing, but I also wanted Jon to know I loved him and remembered.

After all, he misses Nick too.

So, I finally got the nerve.

I dialed his number and Jon’s mom, who is one of my dearest friends, answered the phone. I knew it must be hard for her too.

I said, “I called to wish Jon a “Happy birthday.”

So Jon came to the phone and I sang,

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You don’t look like a monkey…..

And you don’t smell like one either!

I had to do something to make us both laugh.

Then I said, “I love you, Jon.”

And he sweetly replied, “I love you too, Tammy.”

Then my voice broke as I said “bye.”

Nick’s wind chime began to blow behind me as I stood alone in the darkness of our back yard.

I hung up and cried til I could cry no more.

I looked up at the sky and there it was. One bright star all alone in the sky, just like the weekend Nick died. And actually that weekend there were two. A large one and a small one. (We felt sure it was Nick and Adrienne’s way of saying, “We’re together!”)

I said out loud, “I love you, Nick, so much. I always will.” And then I told God I loved Him too but that there was so much I would never understand while on this earth.

Now I’m back in the house trying not to feel blue.

Cooking supper. Doing laundry.

The normal things a mom has to do.

But I’m thankful.

Thankful that God pushed me to the point of calling.

I want to rejoice with those who rejoice. I want to be a big girl.

But, oh, sometimes it hurts.