A Too-Familiar Morning…………………………..

As I left our house in the early hours of the morning with Olivia in her jammies under a blanket, I couldn’t help but recall all the early morning trips with Nick in his jammies under a blanket.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital lab with Olivia and seeing a sweet but familiar face preparing to call me to do pre-registration paperwork sent chills through me. As I sat across from her desk, handing her my insurance card and answering her questions, I tried to act as if it were just a normal day, a normal moment………….

And then a voice came over the intercom.

It was the chaplain, asking everyone who would like to join him in prayer, to take a minute and pray.

As he prayed words that spoke deeply to my soul, I sat there with my head bowed and tears quickly filled my eyes. I knew that the prayer was just what I needed. A prayer of remembrance for all God has done in my life and how I have to trust Him on uncertain days.

As the prayer ended, the receptionist looked at me and said, “You look familiar. Where have we met?”

I wanted to pretend I didn’t know.

I also wanted to answer her question.

For a minute, neither was possible.

I looked at her and said, “I can’t answer the question right now, or I will cry.” But it was too late. The tears were falling, and she was apologizing, and there I sat in the stupid lab reliving my past with the tears I had held back for nearly two years in that very room as Nick had faced transfusion after transfusion and test after test.

I was finally able to say, “My son came here for blood work many times……He passed away………. Nick.” As soon as I said, “Nick,” she whispered, “yes,” as if suddenly his sweet smile had entered her mind, and then I felt better. Just knowing she remembered him and all he had faced gave me a feeling of safety that I needed in that sterile environment where medical procedures can unknowingly overshadow a parent’s hurting heart.

Poor Olivia. When I returned to my seat and she realized I had been crying, she said, “Just so I won’t be nervous, are you crying because of me?” That made me laugh a bit, and I explained what had happened and she felt better.

The truth is: We’re waiting now for some test results on Olivia that we’re praying are okay.

She had some very high levels in a test yesterday and the doctor wanted to run some more detailed tests today.

So, today, I’m trying to live while I wait with my phone in my hand.

Having feelings that are too familiar………………………

the battle between trust and fear

the battle between peace and restlessness

the battle between worrying and not borrowing trouble

Olivia is asleep. She has peace.

I am praying that God gives me this same childlike faith so that I can pack a suitcase for a trip to my mom’s and simply rest in His arms that have held me through so many restless days.

Claiming a promise God has kept time and time again in my life-

Is. 42:16

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.

And praying that you feel Him leading you too,

5 thoughts on “A Too-Familiar Morning…………………………..

  1. Tammy,

    I’m praying for Olivia and for the best test results possible and in a timely manner. I’m also praying for God’s peace and protction on you and your family during this time.

    It is amazing how just walking in an old familiar place can trigger such memories and deep pain, but also what a blessing to be reminded of how Nick seemed to always have such a sweet influence with everyone he met (and those of us that never had the pleasure of actually meeting him).

    We love you and will continue to pray for all of you.

    In His Love,
    Tracy Tuggle
    Woodstock, GA

  2. Praying for my girl, that everything comes back with great news.

    Also, wanted to tell you what happened Saturday morning. Kaleb and I had gone thru McDonald’s drivethru for breakfast when we got back Saturday morning. Our total was, you guessed it, $7.11. Kaleb just got a big smile on his face and looked out the window up into the sky and just simply said, “Heyyy Nick!”

    Love you guys,


  3. Tracy and Tammy,

    Thank you so much for your love and sweet words!!! You have both made my day just knowing how much Nick still means to you and your family!! Love you, tammy

  4. Just found out yesterday after almost a year of tests that my 14 year old daughter has celiac disease. A condition that will cause her to eat gluten free for the rest of her life. As a teenager that pretty much rules out alot of fun foods. Still have a lot to learn from the Dr. at Children’s Mercy on Monday but she has some anger…anger she tries to deny. If she doesn’t strictly adhere to the diet it could have some pretty serious conseqeunces. I think I’ll post this verse up in our house. Thank you.

  5. Tim, Tammy – my heart ached for you upon reading this post. I’m glad to hear now that Olivia is doing better. For several years we avoided the hospital where our son was taken, going out of our way to drive around it. Thankfully, it’s in a nearby town so it’s not often we have to deal with it, but it does happen. Not long ago we had to visit a friend there and we awkwardly tried to avoid the area where we had dealt with Colby’s death. We know and understand how difficult this was for you.