I’m Home……

Good Morning and Happy Monday.

Thank you for all of your prayers as we faced our first family reunion without Nick.

We definitely needed every prayer.

Overall we had a very nice time. Always so good to see family who we only get to see once every three years. I just love the way we can pick up right where we left off and feel connected so closely.

It is special.

Grief ambushed me several times though, I can’t lie.

Like when we were in the ice cream shop and I was looking at the flavors. I remember Nick loving to pick mint chocolate chip!!! Last July we spent a week at the beach and we got ice cream every day! Nick just grinned and grinned!! Oh, I miss his grin.

Or when the boys were playing putt putt or shuffleboard and Nick wasn’t there.

Or when Todd and my two nephews were sitting at a table for four in a restaurant and there was an empty seat across from Todd.

Deep inside I KNOW that Nick is great!!!!!!

But my heart still aches.

I know it will get easier. I guess in some ways it already has.

Yet I always thought as Nick was sick that I NEVER could live without him here, and so in some ways, I hate that I am able to. That may not make sense to some of you…….maybe to none of you. But that’s how my heart feels.

Nick’s wind chime just began chiming loudly on the back porch. I think he’s saying, “Mom, I’m GREAT!!!!!!!!!”

I placed Nick on God’s lap over and over again while he was fighting cancer. I took him back a lot, but I always tried to put him right back where I knew he was safest and most loved.

This time I just couldn’t physically have him back.

That’s what I’m trying to adjust to……still……eight months later.

Needing to get a lot of things done today. Have already been to basketball camp twice and to the grocery store and to the furniture store with Maria to pick furniture for her apartment! Now I need to go pick up Todd from soccer camp and get him to a hair cut appointment!

God has a way of keeping me going……..

But sometimes it feels good to just stop and pour out a little of what I stuff down over and over again.

Thanks for allowing me to pour out my heart all over you.


5 thoughts on “I’m Home……

  1. Keep pouring, precious lady. I know those conflicting feelings very well. You want to be better but then you wonder sometimes, how can I be doing so well without them. I know you know this, but I will say it anyway.

    We honor them by living and remembering them with smiles.

    My son also had a great smile and I miss that so much. He was a light and a joy and I know your Nick was to so many.


  2. So glad God was with you this weekend! and that you’re home again! Something about getting home really helps!! Your post was a blessing today!

  3. Dear Friend,

    My heart aches for you. Sometimes when I think I can’t make it another minute without Mal, I think about the best “REUNION EVER”! What a day when we get to wrap our arms around our angels…and this time it will be for good!

    Praying for you,


  4. Your post today was a blessing to me. You put my feelings into words. I have just moved into a new apartment, all by myself for the first time in my life and now I am 66. I was just thinking how I miss my husband and wish he were here, and then feeling a little guilty because I am managing without him and in some ways rather excited at this new path with God.

  5. Tammy,
    I think about you and pray for you and your family often, I am drawn to the way you so openly and honestly share your feelings and your heart with us. Through you I can see how God can take something and turn it into good. You are amazing with all you are doing with your foundation. You inspire me in both word and deed!