If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my fifty years on this planet, it is this:
It’s not about what you do. It’s about who you are.
All through high school, I remember struggling with exactly what I wanted to be “when I grew up.”
Pharmacy was the one career I went back to time and time again;
but if I’m really honest, one of my cousins was in pharmacy school; and when we visited her family, I loved hearing about her life.
I don’t think I really wanted to be a pharmacist. I think I wanted to be her.
She was beautiful and smart, gentle and focused.
I felt like a better person when I was in her presence.
In college, I met my future husband and suddenly I wanted to be whatever it took to be his wife.
I changed my major and poured myself into improving my secretarial skills.
Winning the shorthand and typing awards for my graduating class,
I went on to become a legal secretary.
I remember my first birthday after becoming a wife.
We were in Oklahoma visiting my grandparents and Tim bought me a journal and a book,
“Introduction to Christian Writing.”
He saw my love for writing before I even knew what to do with it.
But not too long into our marriage,
we learned our first baby was on the way.
Returning to my job was so hard after holding Erich in my arms.
Within six months, we had juggled jobs and made decisions that allowed me to come home.
I was now a very happy stay-at-home mom.
More babies arrived.
I babysat to help with the expenses of life and give my kids playmates, but I started feeling restless.
Thoughts bounced around in my head, but my journal stayed tucked away in a drawer.
I wonder how different life would have been had I taken time to write through my wrestling.
I can remember so clearly when I started feeling like I wasn’t enough.
Oh, to go back and talk to myself then.
To remind myself that these years were fleeting.
Soak them up, Tammy.
Be thankful, Tammy.
Somehow, though, my mind became consumed with the struggle many stay-at-home moms face when they hear the question,
“So, what do you do?”
Eventually, I returned to school and finished my teaching degree.
God opened the door for me to teach at a private school where my boys attended,
and I’m thankful for the memories of those days.
Even then, though, I was restless.
And even then, my journal remained a book of blank pages.
As the years passed by, I taught, I coached, I tried to be the best mom I could be,
but the restlessness gnawed at me.
Tim walked this silent road of discontent holding my hand…………………
Trying to help me move past the question,
“What do you do?”
I’m fifty now.
I do a lot of different things.
I take photographs.
I take classes in order to finish a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy.
But the one thing I don’t do anymore is wrestle.
I haven’t really settled into “one thing” that defines what I am………….
but I’ve finally realized,
It’s not about what I do.
It’s about who I am.
As I read and learn and grow closer to God,
I become more and more convinced that this is the secret to being content.
Who am I?
That’s the only question I really need to be able to answer.
I’m a child of God.
I’m a daughter of the King.
I’m a forgiven, grace-covered woman who messes up often but is redeemed always.
I’m a grief-stricken mom who is filled with hope, joy, and peace.
I am chosen.
I am His.
That’s all I need to know.
Are you wrestling today?
Are you searching for answers?
Are you trying to decide what you should do with your life?
Find peace in simply being His.
That’s all that really matters.
Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ,
keep seeking the things above,
where Christ is,seated at the right hand of God.