I moved some boxes around in the shed this morning, trying to make room for school supplies that I want to store for the summer.
As I opened one box that has been packed away for a long time, I saw a journal.
An old journal.
Seventeen years old.
I had to stop and sit in the loft and thumb through the pages for a few minutes, because this was the journal I had kept in the months before Nick was born.
Some of my prayers made me smile, bringing back memories of long-ago situations now resolved.
Some of my prayers made me smile, realizing how much in life hasn’t really changed since then.
Other prayers, though, made me ashamed.
Ashamed that I was disappointed when Nick’s ultrasound showed that we were having a boy and not a girl.
Since Adrienne’s death in 1992, I had longed for a little girl again…..
And at first, the doctors told us that Nick would be a girl.
But then, in a second ultrasound, the news changed.
If I could go back and change anything about 1995, it would be my attitude during the six weeks before Nick was born.
I kept praying and asking God to help me with my heart, but deep inside I remember that I was overwhelmed at the thought of four boys and no Adrienne.
As soon as I held Nick, though, all those feelings washed away.
His big brown eyes.
His chubby cheeks.
His dark black hair.
He stole my heart.
I’m glad I have the journal to remind me of a time when what I thought was best did not match God’s plans.
The journal helped me remember that even when I don’t understand the answer to my prayers, God is always working.
I wouldn’t trade the memories of my sweet boy Nick for memories with any other child.
And I know that by having one more boy, God opened our heart to adoption which led us to find Olivia in an orphanage in a little town called Damoh.
God promises to go before us making rough places smooth, and He’s never let me down on my long and rough road.
I am thankful for old diaries that remind me of His presence seventeen years ago and today.
I will lead the blind by ways they
have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide
I will turn the darkness into light
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.