I moved some boxes around in the shed this morning, trying to make room for school supplies that I want to store for the summer.

As I opened one box that has been packed away for a long time, I saw a journal.

An old journal.

Seventeen years old.

I had to stop and sit in the loft and thumb through the pages for a few minutes, because this was the journal I had kept in the months before Nick was born.

Some of my prayers made me smile, bringing back memories of long-ago situations now resolved.

Some of my prayers made me smile, realizing how much in life hasn’t really changed since then.

Other prayers, though, made me ashamed.

Ashamed that I was disappointed when Nick’s ultrasound showed that we were having a boy and not a girl.

Since Adrienne’s death in 1992, I had longed for a little girl again…..

And at first, the doctors told us that Nick would be a girl.

But then, in a second ultrasound, the news changed.

If I could go back and change anything about 1995, it would be my attitude during the six weeks before Nick was born.

I kept praying and asking God to help me with my heart, but deep inside I remember that I was overwhelmed at the thought of four boys and no Adrienne.

As soon as I held Nick, though, all those feelings washed away.

His big brown eyes.

His chubby cheeks.

His dark black hair.

He stole my heart.

I’m glad I have the journal to remind me of a time when what I thought was best did not match God’s plans.

The journal helped me remember that even when I don’t understand the answer to my prayers, God is always working.

I wouldn’t trade the memories of my sweet boy Nick for memories with any other child.

And I know that by having one more boy, God opened our heart to adoption which led us to find Olivia in an orphanage in a little town called Damoh.

God promises to go before us making rough places smooth, and He’s never let me down on my long and rough road.

I am thankful for old diaries that remind me of His presence seventeen years ago and today.


Isaiah 42:16

I will lead the blind by ways they

have not known,

along unfamiliar paths I will guide


I will turn the darkness into light

 before them

and make the rough places smooth.

These are the things I will do;

I will not forsake them.