I Never Thought I’d Go Back…

When we went to the Bahamas for Nick’s Make A Wish trip (thank you MSU’s Chi Omegas for raising the funds!) , I soaked in every minute knowing that this trip was special for so many different reasons.  Seeing Nick have such a great time on the water slides at Atlantis, hearing him laugh as we made our way through the lazy river that ended up being anything but lazy, swimming with the dolphins, and so much more….it was the vacation of a lifetime! This is a family photo from June 2008.Picture 050 

I really didn’t get much of a chance to reflect on this wonderful trip because within just two weeks of coming home Nick began to show symptoms that worried us greatly.  He was tired.  His back was hurting.  His legs were even hurting.

From that moment on life was never the same. 

Now here I sit at 3:09 a.m. just two days after Christmas determined to take a minute to ask you to lift our family in prayer as we venture back to this very spot where we enjoyed our last family vacation with Nick.

See, my aunt and uncle are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and their four daughters decided that it would be fun for the whole family to go on a cruise!  So Dad bought our cruise tickets (for which I am forever thankful), and we head out in less than an hour for a week-long family reunion at sea.

My husband, kids, and I have never been on a cruise, so I’m really not sure what to expect. The last time we just flew to the Bahamas and stayed in one place for a week.

I’m just praying for a safe trip to Florida (our van has been in the shop several times in the past couple weeks so a 15 hour trip makes me a little anxious) and special memories with our family.

And if I have to have some tears (which I probably will), I’m just praying I can find a good place to have them alone.

I’ll miss this guy that’s for sure. 

Thank you for praying us through this family reunion and for sharing a few memories of Nick’s trip to the Bahamas with me.

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Thankful to forever be Nick’s mom,

10 thoughts on “I Never Thought I’d Go Back…

  1. I pray that this trip will be both sweet and healing. A cruise is different enough from a trip the Bahamas that it won’t seem identical to the trip with Nick. May you have many pleasant diversions, wonderful family relationships, and may the whole trip be like a healing balm to your heart.

  2. Prayers to you and your family. It will be hard without Nick, but I’m sure he would be glad you returned to somewhere he really loved and to the place he was still healthy enough to enjoy.

    Merry Christmas.

  3. My heart is with you ,Tammy !!
    You are in my prayers my sweet friend !!
    Love from Romania !


    When tomorrow starts without me,
    And I’m not there to see,
    If the sun should rise and find your eyes
    All filled with tears for me;

    I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
    The way you did today,
    While thinking of the many things,
    We didn’t get to say.

    I know how much you love me,
    As much as I love you,
    And each time that you think of me,
    I know you’ll miss me too;

    But when tomorrow starts without me,
    Please try to understand,
    That an angel came and called my name,
    And took me by the hand,

    And said my place was ready,
    In heaven far above,
    And that I’d have to leave behind
    All those I dearly love.

    But as I turned to walk away,
    A tear fell from my eye
    For all my life, I’d always thought,
    I didn’t want to die.

    I had so much to live for,
    So much left yet to do,
    It almost seemed impossible
    That I was leaving you.

    I thought of all the yesterdays,
    The good ones and the bad,
    I thought of all the love we shared,
    And all the fun we had.

    If I could relive yesterday,
    Just even for a while,
    I’d say good-bye and kiss you
    And maybe see you smile.

    But then I fully realized,
    That this could never be,
    For emptiness and memories,
    Would take the place of me.

    And when I thought of worldly things,
    I might miss come tomorrow,
    I thought of you, and when I did,
    My heart was filled with sorrow.

    But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
    I felt so much at home.
    When God looked down and smiled at me,
    From His great golden throne,

    He said, “This is eternity,
    And all I’ve promised you.
    Today your life on earth is past,
    But here life starts anew.

    I promise no tomorrow,
    But today will always last,
    And since each day’s the same way
    There’s no longing for the past.

    You have been so faithful,
    So trusting and so true.
    Though there were times you did some things
    You knew you shouldn’t do.

    But you have been forgiven
    And now at last you’re free.
    So won’t you come and take my hand
    And share my life with me?”

    So when tomorrow starts without me,
    Don’t think we’re far apart,
    For every time you think of me,
    I’m right here, in your heart.

  4. Praying for you, Tammy and your family.
    We did it the other way around, except what we had planned to be a family cruise to the Bahamas two years ago, never happened because Renee relapsed. Now we went on a trip to Barbados. It was a healing and bonding time and each in our own way dealing with the big hole.

  5. Tammy,
    I hear your heart my sweet friend. The tears will be different as you move on, forging new memories wrapped within the lives of those you hold dear. But I know that our tears must be cried as Our Father in heaven is waiting to collect them. Yesterdays tears are gone, tomorrows tears not to be concerned with, but today’s tears hold the most value whether they be tears of joy or sadness , you will never cry alone. You are so special!
    We welcomed our first grandson into the world on December 26, and I took a moment and pondered, I cried today’s tears, I thanked the Lord and then I thought about the last year since Jon has been gone. Nothing is the same on the outside, however within me is the same sadness, but now I have made peace with it.
    This Christmas I saw how much others need me. I saw the places where I have not been present for my family and friends and how they have survived without me and it was ok [I have no guilt] but I want to live again I want to invest with all my heart in the lives of others.My theme for much of my Christian Walk has been Colossians 3:23, in 2010 I pick it up again, knowing I am surrounded by such a great crowd of witnesses to encourage me,I will run the race with vigor.
    God Bless Your family as you walk this new path, I pray that you have a wonderful time remembering Nick with joy, please keep in touch.
    I love you, Meg

  6. Nick’s photos just made me cry tonight…not sure exactly why tonight! But know my heart is with you – and praying that God does something special for you on this trip. Nick looks SO happy – what great memories!!

    Goodness – do I miss my boy tonight!!

  7. Hi Tammy, I stopped by to check in with you and let you know I’m thinking of you. I pray God gives you more sweet moments than sad moments. And yet there is sweetness even in the sadness when remembering someone we love and miss … and will see again!
    Love, Glynnis

  8. Happy new year Tammy !!!!!!Every day you are here ……….. in my heart !
    I was so sad today…..
    I have received some mails from some bad peoples .
    Someane stoled my story and posted on -google- in other parts ,shame on you !!!
    Our GOD can see everything YOU who did that !
    Hurt me becouse they use not just my story ….. they use my suffering from past .
    Love you ,

  9. I smiled with tears in my eyes as I read your post and looked at the pics of your sweet boy.

    I hope you have a wonderful time with your family and make sweet new memories to join with the old.

    The four of us splurged on a crusise to Nassau last summer, and we had such a blast! My favorite memory was snorkeling with the boys.

    I’m going to check for you on Facebook, and I’d love to see some pics from your trip!!