I’m sure Daniel would laugh if he thought a modern-day woman would ever try to relate to these words he uttered as he faced a vision that had left him speechless,
“How can I, your servant, talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe.” (Daniel 10:17)
But, I’m going to be honest. Tonight, I find myself feeling very incapable of saying much at all to God that would even make sense. So, I’ll share with you in hopes of finding Him along the way.
Honestly, I’m embarrassed that I am sitting here at 12:10 a..m. all worked up and unable to sleep.
I thought after walking the long, long road of cancer with Nick and then facing the loss of our second child that I could probably handle just about anything.
But oh no.
I’m having one of those nights where a series of unfortunate events have sent me spiraling into feelings of doubt about my ability to be both a good teacher and a good mom and wife……..
I left school today feeling a little blue and yet trying not to. I loved my students so much, but when one of them said he was 13, I had this wave of grief come over me that I immediately had to stuff down so deep…….13……….the last age I ever spent with Nick……and then another boy said his birthday was May 20…..two days before Nick’s…….again the grief swept over me………and I responded with yet another smile as I pushed down my pain. You might not understand this pain fully if you haven’t buried a child, but thankfully, I belong to an online community where I know that this can be normal or I may consider having myself committed from time to time.
Then I arrived at the house to learn that Olivia had twisted her ankle at basketball practice, and I was walking in the door as Tim was going to pick her up. She didn’t even call me. She knew I wasn’t home.
In the short time they were both gone, we had some type of small tornado or very severe wind shear that destroyed many trees on our college campus and in our neighborhood. A roof was partially removed from a dorm. A friend’s house now has a huge tree laying right across it. (I’ll add pictures soon.) Our power was out for several hours and before we knew it it was almost 8:00 tonight and I still had to get ready for tomorrow. Packing lunches, getting my lessons organized a bit, and just trying to be a “present” mom. (Again, I am ashamed because in the midst of all this damage I was thinking about my list of things to do.)
When I finally sat down with Olivia and heard about her day, I could tell she was feeling stressed. She is in very few classes with her good friends and several other things about school just had her feeling a little overwhelmed about 7th grade.
I knew that diving back in wouldn’t always be easy, but I wasn’t expecting this kind of evening on the first day after school.
I feel disappointed in myself in many ways.
I talk about being content.
I talk about resting in Him.
I talk about trusting Him.
And then I find myself tossing and turning in bed, thinking of about 100 things I wish I would have done differently this afternoon or things I haven’t yet accomplished…….
And finally I realize that sometimes sleep isn’t what I need as much as a deep breath of God…….
So, I’m breathing Him in and exhaling these words to you.
Because in the midst of my tossing and turning, I received a text from my dear friend Lisa thanking me for my blog post on contentment and I realized that I was unworthy of any thanks.
So, here it is.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I’m a mom trying to be a teacher.
And tonight I just had to breathe. So, I think I’m learning that when my strength is gone and I can barely breathe…..that those few breaths I have left should be spent inhaling His Presence.
Thank you for allowing me to exhale here freely,