November 27th, 2008
Nick was determined to sleep in his bed tonight which meant going up a flight of stairs which he has not attempted in about two weeks. Erich, my oldest son, was such an encourager practically carrying him as they made it up the staircase together. Nick was so out of breath at the top of the stairs, yet he managed to walk to his bed and get into it before giving up.
Where does he get his determination?
Where does his will to conquer the unconquerable come from?
How does he stay so funny in spite of his physical battle?
Nick is handling this journey better than I am right now. He just amazes me. Here I sit, fighting back tears and wanting to scream while he is sleeping oh, so peacefully, in his Titans’ bedroom.
Thoughts and emotions are swarming inside of my head. The fear of getting stung by any of these thoughts or feelings keeps me running. It’s as if one thought that is frightening flies through my head, and I shoo it away just in time for another to take its place. There is a fine line between holding it together and having a nervous breakdown. A very fine line. I sometimes think I teeter there.
Then I look at the clock and realize that most normal people are asleep by now (no offense if you are still awake), and I justify my wandering mind as a symptom of fatigue.
Sleep doesn’t always come easily when you know the sun is coming up to a home that holds a child fighting for his life.
But deep inside I know that God promises rest for the weary. I am reminded of the verses from Psalm 63 that are hanging on my bedroom door,
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
9 They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
Cancer seeks Nick’s life in a physical sense.
I know that ultimately cancer will be destroyed.
It will go down to the depths of the earth.
Until that day, I must cling to God, trusting His right hand to uphold me.
So, I head to bed and literally remember God through the watches of the night.
He is my help.
He does cause me to sing in the shadow of His wings.
Thankful for each of you who lifts our family up even through the night……..
Thankful for Nick’s determined spirit……..
Thankful for Erich’s tender brotherly love……….
Thankful for Evan’s ability to make Nick laugh………
Thankful for Olivia’s sweet heart……..
Thankful for Todd’s high school friends who keep him encouraged………
Thankful for my mom who shares this journey so closely with me……….
Thankful for my husband who endures my mood swings (who else would?)………..
Thankful for you and Happy Thanksgiving! May your day be filled with love and laughter!