To My Little Girl In Heaven, My Flower……Happy Birthday and Thank you

DSC_4197-3

This little dandelion caught my eye as I waited to take senior pictures for a friend of mine’s son.

Isn’t life so much like this lone flower?

Fragile.

Fleeting.

Here today.

Gone tomorrow.

But the seeds of this flower………………….who can ever imagine how far they will blow????

__________________________________________

I sort-of feel like a visitor here today.

Blogging hasn’t come easily lately, so I’ve chosen not to force it.

I’ve stepped back a bit…………….

just to see what happens.

Did I really think the world would stop spinning if I didn’t post words?

I still have a lot to learn, but one thing I know for sure is this:

Forced writing is a lot like a fake smile.

And a fake smile gets you nowhere………..fast.

So……………….

I’ve waited for a moment when I felt I had a little something to say,

and Adrienne’s birthday feels like a perfect day to speak.

___________________________________

Birthdays are usually filled with big plans.

Cake

Parties

Gifts

Cards

It’s hard not to wonder what we’d be doing today if Adrienne were still here with us………….turning 24.

Would she be married?

Would she live near or far away?

Would Erich and Evan change their plans to spend the day with her?

I thought we were done with our child-producing years when Adrienne entered our lives, so there’s other questions that pop into my mind today too.

Would Todd even be on this planet?

Would Japan know of his smile and his beard?

Would Nick and his brave fight with cancer be part of our family’s story?

Would Olivia Faith-Pallavi be our sweet girl in America

or would she be someone else’s sweet Pallavi somewhere else in the world?

These questions don’t enter my mind often,

but today……………..

they’re dancing around in my head as I think about the reality that Adrienne Annabeth’s short little life changed so many lives forever.

She’s now spent almost as many years in Heaven as I had been on the planet when she became part of my life story.

Picture3

She knows so much more than I’ll ever know while I journey on this planet,

and her birthday seems like a perfect day to stop everything and just say,

“Thank you,”

to my first little girl………………..

my cuddle bug for six short weeks.

Thank you for teaching me, when I was such a young mom,

that life is so very fragile and every single breath is a gift.

Thank you for showing me that life isn’t always easy and it’s rarely fair,

but it’s always worth it.

ALWAYS.

Thank you for helping me realize I was much stronger than I had ever known or believed before that morning you left us, 

and that I could walk again after being knocked flat down.

I could even run.

Not because I was anything special,

but because I had a Father who believed I was.

And He had plans far beyond my pain………………

Thank you for introducing me to pink and bows and frilly dresses…………………

and preparing the way for Olivia to join our family.

She would have loved you so much,

and I believe one day you will get to talk and laugh together

in a way my heart and mind can barely comprehend this morning.

olivia orphanage

Thank you for being Evan’s “Adjun” and Erich’s “Adwee-Anne”.

You impacted their little lives in bigger ways than I’ll ever know,

and I believe you’re with them……………today………….

in Boston and Dallas.

And that makes me smile.

Picture1

Picture4

Thank you for being Todd’s big sister he has yet to meet.

There wasn’t a day I held him as a baby that you were far from my mind,

and I know he carries a piece of you with him……………

and will carry you across the ocean time and time again as he shares God’s love with others who have loved and lost in different ways.

Tsunamis or SIDS……………

grief comes in all sorts of waves.

DSC_7493

Thank you for removing the fear of death from my soul.

I was such a fearful child and young mom,

and you changed me.

From the inside out, 

you shifted my view of life.

Forever.

Thank you for preparing me for Nick’s fight with cancer.

You were there with me every step of the way,

reminding me of God’s faithfulness in my past pain.

Your little life paved the way to a harder road.

And gave me the courage to keep walking even when I wanted to lay right down and quit.

Because of you I know death has no victory………………..

But God does.

Because of you, I face today with a smile that is so “not forced”………………….

I smile because I know that even though this life is fragile and fleeting

God’s plans extend far beyond the walls of time.

Even though I’ll never understand the tiny gift of you that He gave and then so quickly took away,

I could never say “thank you” enough for being part of my story.

Picture2

You are my flower,  Adrienne.

Beautiful.

Fragile.

Here one minute.

Gone the next.

But the seeds of your life……………..

I’ll never know just how far they will blow……………….
DSC_4198-3

Adrienne, my sweet baby girl,

Happy birthday in Heaven.

I live every day longing to hear the words,

“Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Words you heard long before your mommy.

Thank you for teaching me to live for them too.

Thank you for being mine……………..forever. 

I love you so much.

Birthdays are usually filled with big plans,

but God’s plans…………….

could they be any bigger than His??

One thought on “To My Little Girl In Heaven, My Flower……Happy Birthday and Thank you

  1. First, Happy “Heavenly” Birthday to sweet, sweet Adrienne! What a powerful message/testimony you have shared, Tammy! Thank you for using your “valleys” and being open, honest, and vulnerable in sharing them with others so in turn would help others and ultimately honor Him! Hugs and prayers on this day full of memories! Love you!