I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. For I said, “Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips.” For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.
Oh, dear friends who take time to stop by and read my ramblings, please bear with me.
It’s been a few days since I posted, and I tried to start writing tonight without sharing the truth, but I can’t.
If I ever get to a point in this blogging journey of my life where I don’t share what’s really on my heart, then I feel I have failed you all……..
So as you read these next few words please know that I share them only to hold myself accountable to my blogging conviction of not putting on a mask to hide my heart.
See, this journey with Nick is a lot like the wheel on a bike. There are many different spokes that are spinning at the same time.
Each of our children is a spoke, and while we deal with Nick’s cancer every day we are also dealing with normal parenting issues along the way. Some I have shared before. Some I have not-mainly to spare my children any type of embarrassment. But, trust me, like you, we deal with simple parenting issues and we deal with very difficult and painful ones as well.
Other spokes include work issues, finances, church involvement, and so many more.
But the one spoke that is affected the most at times is my marriage.
The divorce rate for couples who have faced the death of a child (which we faced in 1992) or a life-threatening illness of a child is very high. Statistically, Tim and I should not be together anymore.
Our commitment to each other and to God and to our children thankfully has kept us from doing what on many days would be very, very easy!
So, I write tonight to say, “Please pray for our marriage.” The stress of the last few weeks has absolutely been horrendous on our relationship. Because of this stress over the past few days especially, the thought of writing some wonderfully encouraging words to any of who stop by to read seemed impossible and honestly fake.
So, I write tonight simply to free myself from the chains the devil has tried to tie around my heart. And in so doing, I am confessing and asking for prayer. Prayer that I can be the wife God longs for me to be……..a loving, appreciative, gentle, and thoughtful wife. When I become stressed or fearful about Nick, I often lash out at Tim. Tim, who spends hours researching Nick’s illness, talking with doctors from multiple hospitals, working two jobs so that I can be home with Nick, ministering to others who are hurting, visiting others who are in the hospital, trying to be a good dad to all of our other kids, and constantly trying to show love to me in spite of myself.
I know that when I click “publish post,” I am going to feel embarrassed in some ways for admitting my fault. At the same time, I believe that I will feel great relief knowing that I have confessed and asked for prayer. This relief will allow me to write from my heart tomorrow knowing that I have not withheld from you a critical part of this journey.
Please pray for every spoke on our family’s wheel as I also pray for yours!
Blessings and love to all of you for accepting me like Jesus does, “Just as I am!”