Grief has a way of taking over my mind sometimes.
So strongly that even words are hard to string together into sentences.
Thoughts swirl in my mind………….
Good memories
Tough memories
Sad memories
Feelings of confusion
Feelings of anger
Feelings of loneliness
Questions with no answers
Then I step away from my thoughts and can almost see them swirling beside me. As I watch them swirl, I look around at other things that have created their own little “cyclones” …….
Evan’s heart
Erich’s heart
Todd’s heart
Olivia’s heart
Tim’s heart
My mom’s heart
My friends’ hearts
All hurting, all unsure of how to regroup or what to say, all broken in different ways……..
Grief is not a simple emotion that can be faced one day and then quietly pushed away.
It is complex and long-lasting. I remember.
I remember losing Adrienne.
And while I know deep inside that eventually the pain lessened and life became somewhat “normal” again, I guess I just can’t bear the thought of life without Nick ever being easy……..
That’s where I’m at today.
Hurting and yet not wanting NOT to hurt. That probably makes no sense, but in my heart it does.
I have been so full of grief this weekend that even coming here to share seemed like a daunting task………and yet your prayers and words of love and Scriptures are what I need so desperately.
It’s almost as if the devil pushes me down and stands on my chest in some sort of victory stance from time to time, and I have to somehow figure out how to push him off of me and stand back up again.
The devil loves grief, I am sure. He loves its power to immobilize and anger God’s people.
But deep inside I know that God loves it too, because it drives me back to Him time and time again…..in spite of my questions and my sadness……..
Searching for joy today, knowing that somehow God will send it,
In December of 2007 as our youngest son, Nick, was fighting brain cancer, I began to blog. Writing provided a way for me to release all of my questions, fears, and doubts. It also allowed me to share the ups and downs of Nick's journey with people who were praying for him all over the world. When Nick went Home in November of 2008, my blog became my way of searching for God in the midst of my deep heartache. My heart was broken and grief brought to the surface every emotion imaginable. Being able to release those emotions through my writing brought a sense of purpose to my pain. Having already walked the road of grief in 1992 when we lost our daughter to SIDS, I knew I needed a way to keep from falling into a pit of depression and despair. I had walked close to the edge of a bottomless pit when we lost our daughter,and I knew I couldn't let myself get that close to the edge again. This blog has been and continues to be my tiny corner of the world where I can share My Heart as I journey through God's Word.......thus the name........ My Heart His Words. Thank you for taking time to share life with me. If we do not meet while here on earth, I look forward to hearing all about your life when we reach our final destiny.........Heaven! Email me anytime at 
Precious Tammy, I wept this morning as I read your blog. How I wish I could make everything ok for you and give you back your precious children. Surely in times like these we most certainly do not understand the mind of our Heavenly Father. Yet we know He is too loving to be unkind and too wise to make a mistake. Sending you love, hugs, and prayers. Many times a day I whisper a prayer for you and your family. May God give you extra grace, peace and comfort today.
i will be lifting you up in prayer today and will ask the women i pray with in the morning to do the same. it made sense what you said about not wanting not to hurt, but i think nick would be saying, “it’s alright mom, don’t be sad – i’m not hurting anymore, and i’ll see you soon…”
Dearest Tammy, There is such a pattern to grief..believe it or not. I hated the thought of joining anything after losing my dear mother–very close to the Holidays also. But I just couldn’t seem to rise above the sadness, so I decided in January..to try a bible study aimed at dealing with grief. It is called Griefshare..and they have a website where you can check to see if they have a group meeting in your area. You may not be ready just yet, but if/when you are, they might help;www.griefshare.org
Tammy,
I’m a student at KCU, and have been following Nick’s story for some time. I am deeply, deeply sorry for your lose. Erich and I were in concert choir together, and I remember his pain whenever we’d request prayer for the bad news we’d get on Nick. I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my heart, and in my prayers this holiday season, as well as the thoughts and prayers of my church. I pray that you never lose the memories of Nick, good or bad, but I pray that you make new memories without him.
My husband and I just lost our first pregnancy, and so I understand a small, miniscule part of your pain. The grief comes and goes in waves, and its the smallest things that can tip you off. I’ll try and lift you up in prayer throughout the day! You are very, very loved!
Tammy–I am so thankful for blogs/internet. It has to be from God, because how else could you explain hearts knit together with someone you have never met?
The words I would use to describe you is brave and courageous. Brave when you get out of bed each morning to do the daily chores of each day. Courageous when you bare your soul in each post/email. Brave when you say yes to Olivia and have a gingerbread decorating party for all of her friends, when you would rather say, “No–not today, or tomorrow, or even the next day.”
You may never know the impact on others as you share your grief via the internet–until you get to heaven and see Jesus’s face–and Nick and Adrienne’s smiles.
How many of us, as we walk through our own valleys, will be inspired by your walk?
Praying–
Luanne
praying for you…always
Praying for you and your family every day. Praying for peace and comfort for your heavy heart. Sending love and hugs your way.
-The Larrabee’s
continuing to life up your sweet family in prayer as you go through this Christmas without seeing Nick’s smile,
but yet knowing that he is so very happy and in perfect health celebrating this Christmas with Jesus…
I am thankful for the Holy Spirit that prompts me so many times a day to stop and lift you before our Father. I love you and pray for God’s HOPE and peace to FILL your heart today…that THE Light will shine through the darkness and you will be able to cry or laugh as you need to.
Sarah
Tammy, there probably aren’t any words that will bring you comfort. But I do want you to know that I check in on you, my mom’s heart breaks for you & your family. I do understand what you mean about not wanting to NOT hurt. I’ve never lost a child but I do understand loss. It seems wrong for anything to seem “normal”.
Nick continues to inspire me to live life intentionally. Looking for the joy. Praying for miracles. Reaching out to those that I don’t really know.
Lord God, I can’t fathom the pain that this famiily is in. You can. I am begging that you bring some joy into each of their hearts. I pray against the attacks of satan. He has no place here. The victory has already been won by You. May your Spirit rush through that house tonight. We thank you that You never move your eyes from us. We love you, Lord, even though we don’t understand.
Love you, Tammy!!
Sheryl
Oh Tammy…As I read your blog just now, my heart was aching for you! It has ached so many times. I know my words will not bring the comfort you long for, but I hope it helps a little. I just want to somehow reach through this computer all the way to Grayson and hug you soooo tight! I want to cry with you, laugh with you, be silent with you! You have been through so very much, and I am so so sorry! Please know that you are loved and that others are lifting you up each and everyday so that when these days come… I pray you won’t feel so alone. Hang in there sweet sister…YOU ARE LOVED!!!
Tammy, I think of your family each day, and whisper a quick prayer before the snooze alarm goes off and I climb out of bed. We know God is still walking right beside you, and will not leave you now. My heart breaks to think of how much you are hurting, and wish I could take that pain away. Nick’s life will continue to bless so many, through yours and Tim’s and the entire family’s love. Don’t let Satan win today or tomorrow, or next week…we know God will win in the end. Nick has already crossed the finish line and is waiting for each of us. So many are lifting you up each day in prayer, and love you. Jeanne
Tammy,
I understand those moments of not wanting to hurt and yet hurting all over… moments of remembering the good things and then crying over those same memories. I understand the feeling of aloneness that hits in the middle of a crowd of people when you see a child about his age. The peace in knowing he’s with Jesus but wanting him here in your arms instead. Grief is a hard process and sometimes it helps that you’ve been through it before and yet there are other times where it seems like a whole new experience because it’s the same but different.
Fortunately… God is the same yesterday, today and forever and His Word is still as true as it was when it was first written 2,000 years ago. His Word says He will never fail you, He will never abandon you and He knows and understands your pain.
I remember the moment when God showed me that He understood my pain… because He lost a son once too…
I pray for a warm blanket of His love to envelope you tonight. I pray for His Grace & Sufficiency to meet you exactly where you need Him most. He holds you in the palm of His hand.
With much love & prayers…
Bonnelle
Tammy. God does love grief. Yes, to glorify Himself but he knows his Children need this process. Because really, what would love be without the possibility or the reality of grief??? Let yourself feel it. All of you have such loss with this. This is the moment you are in. No excuses necessary. Just Mourn your precious gift that is no longer here. The rejoicing will still be waiting after this business is finished. God will not leave you here. He’s holding you close even when you are too distraught to notice. Don’t worry about holding on–He’s got you in His grasp. Praying.
Lara
Sweet friend,
Praying for you every day…throughout the day! The Lord promises to meet our every need each day – one day at a time. Be patient with yourself and allow Him to provide…
You are such a blessing to me. Sending you many hugs!!
Dear Tammy,
I so desperately wish I could take your hurt away. I know how hard it is for you and I am so sorry. Nick is in Heaven smiling at you, looking down on you trying to tell you it is ok. He is so happy not to be hurting anymore and he wants his family to be ok. It is going to take time but sometime down the road, you will smile and laugh again. Nick would want that…You know he would. I think about you every single day.
Love,
Charlotte
I can’t even imagine how you are getting through this season. I want you to know that I think of you and your family always and am praying for you all. Just knowing you are walking this path makes my heart ache. I know that the Lord is with you but that doesn’t lessen the pain of your loss. I was glad to see the picture of the girls and it warms my heart to know that they were so special to Nick. What beautiful children and what a great joy they must be in the midst of this storm.
Tammy,
Always know that I am here for you in whatever way I can be and that you are a very special Person to me and allot of people and I Pray for you for comfort and peace and the family.May God hold you oh so close.
Love You Bunches,
Brenda
Tammy, my heart hurts deeply for you and your family. I don’t know you personally, yet I find myself thinking of you throughout my days.
When I was 18 my older brother died due to injuries received from his car hitting a train. I didn’t know the Lord when we lost him, and I can testify that grief without God and without hope is a horrible thing. But God used it to draw me to Himself and eventually my entire family came to the Lord.
I know your grief is so difficult and so very hard, especially with it being Christmas time. But, whenever I come to your blog, I find your honesty to be so filled with God’s grace and mercy and His hope. The scriptures say we do not grieve as those who have no hope. That’s what I see here — grief that’s real, but grief that has hope.
Daily and sometimes hourly you are in my prayers. Please know I am lifting you and your family to the Lord! You are all so precious in His sight!
Dear Sister, As a mother my heart aches for you and your family. After reading your blog I was impressed with this thought. God knows exactly how it feels to lose a son. He completely understands. He has been there and done that. Then I was reminded how at the death of his son the devil thought he had proclaimed victory. We all know he didn’t. Just know that as long as you are continuing to take all those emotions to the one who understands, what the devil meant for evil will turn for good. Each time you spend time with the father your relationship strenthens and that makes the devil MAD! I pray for my sister that God would put a watch over your mind that any thought you have bring peace in remembering how you instilled the love of God in Nick, how you have planted thousands of seeds in the lives of those who you minister too. Gods word shall not return void. We have so many promises from our Lord and they all are for our good. Though sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning. Thought I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..notice it says walk through not linger. Like another post implied.. Grief is a process. Anything that is in process eventually will be complete. So as the days come may you find a reason to laugh out loud and smile just because. I pray peace, comfort, healing, and hope for you and your family.
My sweet Tammy,
Surrounding you in prayer now.
I pray you feel His comfort and love, and all our prayers as well.
The Lord your God is with you. Zephaniah 3.17 (NIV)
Love you♥
I’m just so sorry that you are going through this jounrey in life – so very sorry. Beauty for ashes – one day xx
Remember, you are not alone. You have such a precious heart.
Hey Tammy
I wanted to pass this blog on to you. It is the blog of Steven Curtis Chapman’s wife, Mary Beth. As you may have heard, they lost their daughter to a tragic car accident this past spring. She recently posted her “Christmas Letter” and as I read it, I thought of you. I hope you can find comfort in her words…
http://chapmanchannel.typepad.com/marybeth/
Blessings..
Leslie Galema
Noblesville IN