Grief has a way of taking over my mind sometimes.

So strongly that even words are hard to string together into sentences.

Thoughts swirl in my mind………….

Good memories
Tough memories
Sad memories
Feelings of confusion
Feelings of anger
Feelings of loneliness
Questions with no answers

Then I step away from my thoughts and can almost see them swirling beside me. As I watch them swirl, I look around at other things that have created their own little “cyclones” …….

Evan’s heart
Erich’s heart
Todd’s heart
Olivia’s heart
Tim’s heart
My mom’s heart
My friends’ hearts

All hurting, all unsure of how to regroup or what to say, all broken in different ways……..

Grief is not a simple emotion that can be faced one day and then quietly pushed away.

It is complex and long-lasting. I remember.

I remember losing Adrienne.

And while I know deep inside that eventually the pain lessened and life became somewhat “normal” again, I guess I just can’t bear the thought of life without Nick ever being easy……..

That’s where I’m at today.

Hurting and yet not wanting NOT to hurt. That probably makes no sense, but in my heart it does.

I have been so full of grief this weekend that even coming here to share seemed like a daunting task………and yet your prayers and words of love and Scriptures are what I need so desperately.

It’s almost as if the devil pushes me down and stands on my chest in some sort of victory stance from time to time, and I have to somehow figure out how to push him off of me and stand back up again.

The devil loves grief, I am sure. He loves its power to immobilize and anger God’s people.

But deep inside I know that God loves it too, because it drives me back to Him time and time again… spite of my questions and my sadness……..

Searching for joy today, knowing that somehow God will send it,