After crying myself to sleep last night, I woke up feeling rather “blah” and actually irritable. Poor Tim. He had to ask me, “Are you missing Nick or did I do something wrong or are you stressed about something?”
I couldn’t even answer him.
So I did what I do best…………..I sent him a text. Sometimes it’s just easier for me to say on paper or in an email or in a text or my blog exactly how I feel.
Mom says I’ve always been like this. When I was young, I would often write her and dad notes instead of talking to them.
It was just easier for me to share my heart without using my mouth.
I’m still that way.
And grief has driven me to an even deeper level of sharing.
A level that has a lot of risks.
The risk of appearing depressed.
The risk of appearing unstable.
The risk of appearing too positive in the midst of a nightmare.
The risk of appearing too negative in the midst of a life that has many blessings.
And the list goes on and on and on.
But yet, for some reason, I am drawn back to my writing daily. A place where I can get something out that for some reason can’t come out any other way.
And after I’ve released my words I feel freer to move on to the “next thing.”
Yet I’ve discovered something since I began to blog……..something that bothers me.
I have found myself lately feeling like “I have to have something to say that will make people feel better in case someone visits my blog. If I don’t, they might not visit me again.” Not that what I write is in any way not what I am feeling…..I think I just feel very aware that people may be reading my words.
That probably sounds very shallow. I am just being EXTREMELY transparent…
One thing’s for sure….you don’t have to wonder what I’m thinking…….I have truly become an “open book…” and because of that,
I have actually been feeling some sort of “blogging pressure.”
So, as I took a break from working outside with Evan this afternoon (we have been trying to pull down branches and trees all over our hill that fell during the ice storm), I kept feeling this urge to stop by the computer and just sort this struggle out within my mind and my heart.
It was really bothering me that what had started as a way of sharing my heart had grown to become something I felt I “had” to do…..
And I am sure that it is the devil, but lately, I have found myself feeling so guilty after I have written an entry that is not upbeat.
But I can’t pretend that life here is always a “happy” thing and sometimes the things that are deep inside of me aren’t pretty.
I’ve been angry the past few days. I’ve actually been sad for Nick which is really weird because I know deep inside that he is in Heaven- honestly, HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!! I am ashamed that I cannot find comfort in that thought today.
But the mommy part of me sees what fun could be ahead for Nick as the weather is getting warmer and I remember so fondly how much Nick loved to be outside. So, I feel sad for him that he’s not here to share this life with us.
My prayer has been so earnestly that God would help me to trust Him, because I do not understand His plan. I truly don’t.
I see the good things that are happening because of Nick’s foundation, and I am glad.
But I would trade everything that is going on in our lives for an afternoon with Nick.
So, I write this today not because I think it’s what anyone wants to read or hear.
I write this today because I had to get it out.
I FEEL SAD………and truthfully, angry too. I know it will get better…………but for now, I think chopping branches off of trees is the best thing I can do with my time.
Thankful for all of you who bear with me in my many phases of this painful journey.
Determined to lean on Him even when I do not understand His plan and hoping you’ll bear with me as I continue on this very difficult walk through grief.
With Passionate Love and Thankfulness for Each of You,