It’s Hard Being a "Big Girl"

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

he day slipped by and the choice had to be made.

Would I make the phone call or simply pretend it hadn’t entered my mind?

But the truth was:

It had not only entered my mind. It wouldn’t leave my mind.

Today was one of Nick’s lifelong best friend’s birthday.

And Nick had never missed his party…..til now.

I wrestled all day with how to handle the reality that Nick would never be at Jon’s party again. I didn’t really want to know the details of what Nick might be missing, but I also wanted Jon to know I loved him and remembered.

After all, he misses Nick too.

So, I finally got the nerve.

I dialed his number and Jon’s mom, who is one of my dearest friends, answered the phone. I knew it must be hard for her too.

I said, “I called to wish Jon a “Happy birthday.”

So Jon came to the phone and I sang,

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You don’t look like a monkey…..

And you don’t smell like one either!

I had to do something to make us both laugh.

Then I said, “I love you, Jon.”

And he sweetly replied, “I love you too, Tammy.”

Then my voice broke as I said “bye.”

Nick’s wind chime began to blow behind me as I stood alone in the darkness of our back yard.

I hung up and cried til I could cry no more.

I looked up at the sky and there it was. One bright star all alone in the sky, just like the weekend Nick died. And actually that weekend there were two. A large one and a small one. (We felt sure it was Nick and Adrienne’s way of saying, “We’re together!”)

I said out loud, “I love you, Nick, so much. I always will.” And then I told God I loved Him too but that there was so much I would never understand while on this earth.

Now I’m back in the house trying not to feel blue.

Cooking supper. Doing laundry.

The normal things a mom has to do.

But I’m thankful.

Thankful that God pushed me to the point of calling.

I want to rejoice with those who rejoice. I want to be a big girl.

But, oh, sometimes it hurts.


15 thoughts on “It’s Hard Being a "Big Girl"

  1. I love you so much sweet Tammy. You are walking through this grief with so much Grace. I just feel that God is so very pleased with you and this little step of obedience which was filled with love and courage. Keep holding on to His hand my friend.

    My thoughts and prayers are always with you.

  2. You are the best “big girl” I have never met! Today you followed your gut and the will of Christ. How much more big girl can you get? Plus you shared your emotions with others – WOW! I’m glad you are writing this down for the rest of us to experience.

    The one thing that keeps coming to my mind right now is Eph 3:20-21: Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think,according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

    God is going to use you more than you could have ever imagined.

  3. I’m so sorry you’re hurting tonight. I know that was hard. Had a ‘difficult’ conversation with my own daughter tonight about losing her little brother. (she had just turned 7) We both cried. So I just wanted to say that I know it hurts. Wanted to let you know that even though I’ve been sort of a lurker, I think of you and pray for you often, too. : )

  4. God bless you Tammy. My prayers will be with you today. I pray that you will have God’s comfort and He will continue to shelter you between His shoulders.

  5. I am dong the Esther bible study by Beth Moore right now and this was at the end of one of the day’s lessons. I thought it was so powerful in so many ways. I typed it and put in in a frame so I could be reminded of it daily.

    “When we trust out lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just in spite of those catastrophes. Often because of them. Don’t just wait and see. Live and see.”

    What a beautiful story He is writing. You are truly fghting to live and see the grand ending. All the Nischans are!

    Love you!
    Molli (Tyrel’s wife)

  6. You are amazing Tammy! Your ability to go past your pain, and let Jesus lead you to do things that are next-to-impossible, testifies of the power of God in your life.

    Thank you for sharing your heart, your hurt, and your trust in God! You are in my prayers!

  7. Tammy-stopped by and was so drawn in. My heart cannot even imagine so I send up a prayer for you:

    Lord, please grace Tammy with your peace and comfort. Give her a heart to trust You and love You through all this pain. Carry her through these hard ays and continue to fill her heart with the compassion she so demonstrated towards her son’s friend. Bless her Lord. Bless her family. In your most precious name~Amen

    In His Graces~Pamela

  8. I just know Jon’s soul is delighted that you called as I’m certain yours is as well.

    Doing the right thing…the best thing, is never easy.

    Please know that I continue to pray for you and your family.

  9. How cute….I want to be a big girl with you too, Tamms. Your strength does shine through even though your heart is broken and breaking.

    When you said, there was one star all alone…I thought…isn’t that true…isn’t that how we feel…one lonely star in this great big world (sky)? Yet, we are not alone. Sometimes, it feels so lonely, even knowing God’s huge presence is with us. It’s hard to bring this big God into us when we as fleshly creatures desire for the fleshly…the physical…the loved ones in our presence.

    You are so precious, Tammy.

  10. Thinking about you tonight (Monday night)…wishing I could give you a hug. Just to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers –


  11. Tammy, you never cease to amaze me. You are a kind, thoughtful, loving and intuitive person. I really look forward to coming here each day to see what Tammy has to say. I know it meant the world to Nick’s friend that you called to celebrate his day, as like you said he misses Nick too. You are such a sweet person, my heart just breaks for you every day that you are going through the grieving process. I pray for you and your family each time I think of you which is many times a day! Your grace in this time speaks volumes about what a ‘big girl’ you are!