As I left our house in the early hours of the morning with Olivia in her jammies under a blanket, I couldn’t help but recall all the early morning trips with Nick in his jammies under a blanket.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital lab with Olivia and seeing a sweet but familiar face preparing to call me to do pre-registration paperwork sent chills through me. As I sat across from her desk, handing her my insurance card and answering her questions, I tried to act as if it were just a normal day, a normal moment………….

And then a voice came over the intercom.

It was the chaplain, asking everyone who would like to join him in prayer, to take a minute and pray.

As he prayed words that spoke deeply to my soul, I sat there with my head bowed and tears quickly filled my eyes. I knew that the prayer was just what I needed. A prayer of remembrance for all God has done in my life and how I have to trust Him on uncertain days.

As the prayer ended, the receptionist looked at me and said, “You look familiar. Where have we met?”

I wanted to pretend I didn’t know.

I also wanted to answer her question.

For a minute, neither was possible.

I looked at her and said, “I can’t answer the question right now, or I will cry.” But it was too late. The tears were falling, and she was apologizing, and there I sat in the stupid lab reliving my past with the tears I had held back for nearly two years in that very room as Nick had faced transfusion after transfusion and test after test.

I was finally able to say, “My son came here for blood work many times……He passed away………. Nick.” As soon as I said, “Nick,” she whispered, “yes,” as if suddenly his sweet smile had entered her mind, and then I felt better. Just knowing she remembered him and all he had faced gave me a feeling of safety that I needed in that sterile environment where medical procedures can unknowingly overshadow a parent’s hurting heart.

Poor Olivia. When I returned to my seat and she realized I had been crying, she said, “Just so I won’t be nervous, are you crying because of me?” That made me laugh a bit, and I explained what had happened and she felt better.

The truth is: We’re waiting now for some test results on Olivia that we’re praying are okay.

She had some very high levels in a test yesterday and the doctor wanted to run some more detailed tests today.

So, today, I’m trying to live while I wait with my phone in my hand.

Having feelings that are too familiar………………………

the battle between trust and fear

the battle between peace and restlessness

the battle between worrying and not borrowing trouble

Olivia is asleep. She has peace.

I am praying that God gives me this same childlike faith so that I can pack a suitcase for a trip to my mom’s and simply rest in His arms that have held me through so many restless days.