When I look at this screen and think of each of you who may stop by to read my words, I’m tempted to write some kind of thoughts that sound spiritually uplifting and give the allusion that I am somehow handling life the way Jesus would.
I remember the famous “What Would Jesus Do” bracelets, and honestly, those words haunt me almost daily.
I can smile and even laugh sometimes, but to be totally transparent, I am struggling deep within my soul.
I’ve battled depression in the past and I think that parts of me are slipping that way again. I feel so ashamed to even write those words, as if somehow God is disappointed when I can’t cling to His Word at a strong enough level to keep myself out of this pit.
Truthfully, the pace of life at our house right now leaves very little time to just sit and soak in His promises. I must need more of Him than most people in order to cope successfully, because I see people all around me who seem to juggle fulltime careers and families and church and do it beautifully.
Why do I cry on Sunday afternoon after I get home from WalMart with a load of groceries that takes almost as long to unpack as it did to go up and down the aisles trying to make sure I have dinner plans ready for a whole week.?
I battle wanting things to slow down with knowing that when they do Todd will be moved into the dorm and Evan will be living 34 hours away.
I haven’t been this frustrated with myself in such a long time.
I miss Nick so much and feel like I barely have time to acknowledge that I am hurting, because I am spending most of my waking hours working on lesson plans, teaching, and trying to be a decent wife and mom…….all of this leaves little time to be the friend I want to be, the encourager I love to be, the supporter of others who are hurting that I want to be………
And then as I type these words, I feel like a baby.
I remember typing words last week about encouraging others and realizing that when I take my focus off of me then I am able to pray for others and become the person I want to be. I felt so strong that morning.
And then another Monday comes and here I am digging deep to find peace and coming up empty.
I’ll probably regret posting this, but to say anything else would be fake.
I got up early to get potatoes peeled and roast browned so that I could have the crock pot filled with dinner after work. Last week, I managed to be a good teacher but failed miserably as a mom…….this week, I’m trying to have a plan for dinner every night.
As I was preparing the meal, I wondered if any of you have recipes to share, especially crock pot recipes. If you do, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I will share them from time to time with readers here. Maybe there’s someone out there reading this who needs new recipe ideas too.
The puppies are doing great by the way. They have added such a little fun spirit to our floors!
Olivia is getting into a groove at school and enjoying basketball practice. I’m so thankful that she feels better than she did in the spring!
We had a great visit with my family this weekend. My sister was up from Florida so we all gathered at my mom’s for a cookout. I’ll show pictures soon.
This morning, I keep thinking of these verses from Psalm 61,
Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
Knowing that He can and trusting that He will…lead me to that High Rock today,