One thing I remember vividly about that first year after Adrienne died in 1992 was that I didn’t want life to go on for everyone around me in such routine, every-day ways.
I remember standing in a friend’s bedroom (not long after Adrienne had died) as she put clean sheets on her bed and thinking, “How can her life be so normal?” The last thing on my mind was clean sheets.
It struck me the other day as I was talking with a couple friends whose daughters play sports with Olivia that this past year (since losing Nick) has been a little different than that first year after losing Adrienne. Instead of watching everyone else’s life return to something normal, I turned to Nick’s foundation as my way of “carrying on” and doing something productive yet not as “normal” as washing sheets..
In my conversation with my friends, though, we began talking about last year’s softball season and I realized that I barely remember anything about Olivia playing softball. I can remember sitting there and watching Olivia at bat one time. Other than that, I don’t remember much.
I realized that for a whole year, I have been going through the motions for my family’s sake.
So this morning as the sun is shining so brightly on the hill behind our house and I am reminded somewhat painfully that this is my eighteenth spring without Adrienne and my second without Nick, I have to look up to God for comfort and strength.
Because life does go on…
And without Him and without Hope, I don’t think I could…
So today, I’d love to just say this to my sweet Adrienne and my precious Nick-
The washer’s calling, “Bring the sheets.”
The sunshine’s beaming, “I’ll give heat.”
The bedroom’s shouting, “Keep me clean.”
But I’m stalling, “Is this a dream?”
Do I really give a care..
for sheets and beds that at me glare?
No, I don’t, if I may speak…
The truth that from my heart must leak.
But deep within I hear God say,
“Take care of what you have today.”
So, normal things I’ll strive to do-
Until again I live with you
Where “normal” is a long-gone word
And the splendor is something of which I’ve only heard.
I love you both so very much.
I long to feel your gentle touch.
Worship God with all your heart
And while I’m here I’ll do my part
To show others the only way
To be where you are on this March day.
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.
Striving to press on as seasons change and reality sets in once more at a deeper level,
LOVE YOU TAMMY AND TIM
This poem to your precious 2 is so beautiful.
I swept the floor again today…folded clothes…fixed my 16 yr. old son’s breakfast…and on through “normal” even though…
Love to you! I got your card yesterday. It’s March, isn’t it…
Wow! Tammy, that is such awesome writing and I love the way you express your feelings. I’ve not walked in your shoes, but through your words I catch a small glimpse of understanding.
LOVE YOU FRIEND!
Thanks Tammy, That is just so beautiful. I love the sheets on the bed analogy, mine is dishes. I remember looking at the dishes and thinking… “Why are there still dishes to wash? My life is torn apart and dishes still sit in my sink”.
So glad we have found each other. My heart goes out to you as you have had to do this twice! Bless your Heart!