Dearest, dearest prayer warriors,
I think of you so often and am so thankful for every prayer you whisper for Nick. I know that God hears you and cares and loves Nick. Other than pain in his left leg, Nick is doing really well. His spirits have been lifted so much for the past three days because of a visit from a very special friend of his who moved last summer to Idaho. They have played video games and visited non-stop.
My heart aches that they haven’t been out throwing a football like they use to or jumping and wrestling on the trampoline like they use to, but I keep telling myself to be thankful that they are laughing and playing video games……
I guess that what the Bible means when it says, “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (I Thess. 5)
To be honest, which you know I always try to be, I am dealing with anger for the first time in this journey with Nick. This anger has put a wall up between me and all of you, causing my ability to write to you to be hindered. A wall that I have had to face and climb by actually speaking out about my anger in real words.
See, since I have tried desperately to find the good in every different step along the way with Nick and while I have tried to praise God on the good and the bad days of this journey, I feel a little bit like I have been kicked while I am down. Almost as if Nick and I and our family are in a boxing ring with an opponent who doesn’t obey the rules with no ref to call time or push us apart. While I know that there have been a million good things that have come out of this journey and that God has been with us every step of the way, it doesn’t change the fact that Nick limps, that Nick faces uncertain days in the near future, that Nick asks tough questions, and the list goes on and on.
I find myself looking around (which I KNOW I should not do) and seeing people who do not live for God and yet somehow are spared from life’s unfairness and it makes my blood boil. Not that I wish any illness on another person. I just struggle to find a reason for a boy as precious and sweet and selfless as Nick to have to face the days that he faces. I think back to times when I wish we would have done more or made other decisions and yet I know that God’s hand was in every step along the way.
I am just mad. Not at God. Not at any person. Not at anything that can be changed. I am just mad at life. I am mad that sin ever had to enter the world. I am mad that people still choose to sin. I am mad that in spite of everything Nick goes through by the strength he can get only from God that there are people who know Nick who still don’t put God first in their life. If Nick has to go through this, I wish at least it would change people. To see people come to God because of Nick is really the only thing that makes this worth it. I feel so much more how God must feel when people reject His Son. After all Jesus went through, I cannot imagine the anger deep inside God that wells up against those who take His name in vain, live immoral lives, cause others to sin, and so much more.
I want to go back and change my words to “sad” from “mad,” because it sounds so much more gentle, but I can’t. I would be lying.
I am sad. But right now I am mad. I know it will pass.
Please don’t worry about me. Just pray for me.
And as always, please pray for Nick.
God continues to sit on His throne. And I believe with all of my heart that there will come a day when all of the unfairness of this world will be made right. In the twinkling of an eye, the world will be changed. Sin will be overthrown along with death. Justice will occur. Those who chose to reject Jesus will be punished eternally. Those who have chosen to love and serve Him will be rewarded. I believe that children who have suffered in this world will receive so much more than we could ever imagine-FOR ETERNITY!!!!
Until then, I must press on. God is working.
Just as you have loved me through every stage of this journey, please love me through my anger. And forgive me for sounding harsh. I am not talking to you or at you. I am just talking
with you as friends who can pray for me and love me through this tough time.
Thankful for each of you. Oh, so thankful.