I decided to spend a little time tonight trying to go through the inbox of my yahoo account and do a little housekeeping.

I never dreamed that I would be taking a walk back in time as I discovered that ever since Nick’s death, I have rarely deleted an email.

With nearly 5,000 emails in my inbox, I have spent the past few hours sifting through memories trying to decide what to save and what to delete.  I am down to 3400 emails, but I have to stop for tonight.

My eyes are crossed.  My fingers are weary.  But most of all, my heart is breaking all over again.

I try so hard to stay positive and press on every day in spite of my deep sadness, but tonight after rereading some precious words people wrote to me not long after the loss of Nick, I find myself asking the same question I have asked time and time again,

“Why did he have to die?”

I know there’s no answer.

I know I will  probably never understand this side of Heaven.

But it feels good to just type the words, “WHY?”

It feels good to shout my feelings of injustice even though I know there are millions of others who shout the same feelings every day.

It is liberating every once in a while to just say out loud, “I am sad, and I am not okay with Nick’s death.”

Yes, I know he is in Heaven.

Yes, I know he wouldn’t come back even if he had the chance.

Yes, I know that God can bring good out of the worst situations.

Yes, I know that God still loves me.

But, for tonight, I’m taking a little time to just feel the pain of my loss all over again and know that it is okay to grieve. 

Yesterday, our oldest son turned 24.  Happy birthday, Erich!

On the very same day, we received a call from the cemetery that is owned by the college where my husband teaches.  They wanted to know if we wanted to purchase the two grave sites next to Nick and Adrienne so that we could save them for me and Tim.  They were choosing a location for Paul (our friend who died Tuesday) and didn’t want to use one of those if we wanted it.

Sometimes, I feel as if I am in a bad dream and I’m just trying to make it seem better than it really is.

And then I feel guilty because I know lots of other people feel like this too.

I just didn’t think it was fair to have a moment of such deep sadness and not share it with you when I have shared so many happy moments with you lately.

I guess I need to be sure you know that in spite of my smile, in spite of the joy I feel because of the promise of Heaven, I still experience moments of anguish.

I hope that this post doesn’t sound like I am whining or complaining…….especially since I just wrote this morning about how I want to live a life free of grumbling.

Oh, goodness, how quickly I can slip!

I love you all so much!

Please let me know how I can pray for you.

It helps me to reach outside of myself and be there for others.  That’s what keeps me going.  By the way, Nick’s foundation will be doing a few things in the near future.

This helps me too.

Thank you for loving me on the good days and the bad days,