I’m clicking away at what feels like the same old story.

Trying to get ready for tomorrow.

Blessings Through Raindrops…that’s the theme, and why have I struggled so??????

Honestly, I know the answer.

Deep inside, I know what’s gnawing at me…..

And maybe, just maybe, admitting to all of you what’s holding me back will free me from what I try so hard to hide behind my smiles and my laughs…

Losing Nick doesn’t feel like a blessing.

I can look back nineteen years, and I can see how Adrienne’s brief and sweet life led us to Todd, then Nick, then Olivia.

I can see how she changed me, and I’m thankful.

But I’m just not ready to be thankful for how Nick has changed me even more.

Did it take losing Nick to make me who I am today?

I hope not.

Maybe I’m afraid it did, and maybe I feel responsible.

When I look into the eyes of my students……..even the most ornery……….I see Nick grinning, and I love them in spite of their flaws.

And I wonder, “Did it take losing Nick to fill me with so much love?”

Oh, I could go crazy wondering who I would be today if I hadn’t walked such a painful road, and I don’t want to believe that the pain was what I needed.  Because when I believe that, I see Nick’s face and my heart is filled with so much aching.

I loved Nick so much, and I still do.

How do I ever find a blessing in the loss of this sweet boy?

Blessings through teardrops, healing through tears….

I’m clinging to the promise that “those who sow in tears will reap songs of joy!”

Maybe I still haven’t cried enough to reap a harvest………….