Monday, I took a risk.
I actually drove to an area elementary school for my first real job interview since Nick passed away. I already have a part-time job at another school, but when I received a call from another principal with an opportunity to work part-time on the “off days,” I thought maybe this was God’s way of easing me back into teaching.
The thought of sitting in front of some of my friends trying to “sell myself” or “seem worthy” of the job opening stirred all kinds of emotions inside of me.
As I drove to the interview, I remember praying, “Lord, I’m willing to do this, but if it is not Your will please close the door for me.” To be honest, though, my biggest prayer was that I would not have a meltdown in the interview. Something about crying while trying to answer questions about “analyzing test data or teaching reading skills” just didn’t seem very professional.
I at least wanted to appear as if I had some sort of grip on life. And thankfully, I was able to get through my time with the committee with no tears. Thank you, Lord.
Leaving the school, I really wasn’t sure what to think. I love kids and teaching, so I thought that maybe this was exactly the plan for me. As I drove towards my next task for the day (taking my vacuum cleaner to be repaired), I wondered if my deep-rooted dreams had been too big or too silly.
See, my deep, deep passion is writing. And my heart’s desire is to help women, especially grieving women, grow in their relationship with God. However, the reality of bills needing to be paid surfaces in my heart often and I feel great guilt for not diving back into a full-time teaching career. My husband is my biggest cheerleader, though, and time and time again assures me that I am right where I need to be..working part-time and spending time writing and speaking when called upon to do so.
Well, while I was in Ashland, I received the call that they had chosen someone else for this part-time position.
Here I sat.
Feeling relieved, in one sense, because I had stepped out and taken a risk but God had stepped in and said, “No, this is not where I want you right now.”
And yet, feeling rejected at the very same time. Why was I not good enough? was the question that kept dancing through my head.
Even though I had prayed for God to close the door if it was not the right one for me, I carried around a feeling of “unworthiness” most of the day.
I returned home later in the afternoon and began doing some cleaning in my kitchen. One thing led to another and I found myself taking all of the dishes and knick-knacks off of the top shelf above my cupboards, because I discovered that every inch of this area was coated in a deep level of dust and grease.
As I pulled things down and emptied out a few containers that had been storing odds and ends, I came across this rock that Nick had written on years ago at school.
Why did I decide so randomly to dive into such a huge mess as cleaning my kitchen shelves?
I believe that it was because God had something to say.
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.
I needed to know that on Monday, March 8, 2010, God was faithful.
I needed to know that He wanted me to
“KNOW that the Lord my God is God.”
It is so freeing to rest in this truth.
The Lord my God is God.
He is Faithful.
He keeps His covenant of love.
He has a plan for me and for you.
Jesus knew what He was saying about His Father and His creation when He said this in Luke 19:40,
“I tell you, if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”
A stone cried out to me on Monday, reminding me that the Rock of my life must be Jesus not a job.
Thankful that when God wants to speak nothing can stop Him,