It’s always risky when I open up like this, but I have to be honest.
It’s been a weird week for me.
A week where I’ve felt somewhat like a spiritual spectator in empty stands.
A week where I’ve felt a bit disconnected from God.
A week where prayer has seemed like something reserved for meals or church services.
I don’t like weeks like this.
My mind has been filled with a gnawing sense of preoccupation with “this world” kind-of stuff.
Busy days finishing up a school year.
Busy (and late) evenings painting Olivia’s bedroom.
Unhealthy anxiety about things I can’t control.
On top of this, I’ve been pushing the snooze alarm one too many times every single morning
which has left me with only time to read the Bible but not really absorb it.
His Words have gone into my head but very little have made it into my heart.
When I have weeks like this, everything in my life slips.
My eating habits get worse.
My thought processes become unsteady.
My ability to keep up with things around the house weakens.
It’s as if the boundary walls around my heart fall down and everything good is suddenly clouded by everything not-so-good.
I’ve tried to blog a couple of mornings this week and have ended up backspacing my way out of anything I’ve tried to say.
Because my words alone mean nothing, and this week that’s mostly all I’ve had.
So this morning as I read through Ecclesiastes and the “meaninglessness” of life from Solomon’s perspective,
I felt connected to him in a way that I never have before.
I “got him” when he went on and on about the uselessness of working hard and gaining things.
I related to the “chasing after the wind.”
I felt a bond with his searching and his questioning.
When I read Solomon’s words, it’s easy to see how life got in the way of his ability to really live.
He over-thought everything and ended up missing it all.
Today, I’m asking God to cover me in His grace and help me find Him in the tiniest of moments.
I’m asking Him to clear my mind of “this world” kind-of worries.
I’m claiming His power and strength over my coming and my going.
I don’t want life to get in the way of really living for one more day.
I want to walk through today with God right beside me .
I want to feel His presence with every word I say, every action I take.
If He truly is the beginning and the end of my life, I want to feel Him right here in the middle.
Solomon eventually came to a powerful conclusion as he searched for meaning in life.
Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.
Today, I have two goals.
Keep his commandments.
Everything else that gets done at work or at home is a bonus.
I’m not going to allow life to get in the way of really living for one more minute, and saying that out loud feels good.
God is my everything.
Knowing that is really living.
I’m so thankful He understands my weeks of wandering and patiently waits for the morning I wander back to Him.
He’s waiting for you too.
And His arms are open wide.
Praying for all of you who read this post and somehow understand or relate to my struggle.
I love you all so much.
Hey Tammy, I found you!! Haha!
I didn’t realize just how LONG it has been since I’ve read your blog! Sheesh!
I needed this.
My “week” is weeks!! Not good 🙁