If you read this and happen to also walk somewhat close to me in my daily life,
you know I’ve been a wrestler for years.
Not a professional one that gets paid to be in a ring (thank goodness),
but rather a wrestler of my life’s direction, purpose, and plan,
a questioner of all that I am and all that I’m suppose to be.
I’m a “wonderer,” and it only seems fitting that the very word I used to describe myself isn’t even showing up as a real word in spell check.
I’m using it anyway………….because sometimes what we are isn’t even available in dictionary options.
I often wonder if I’m on the right road.
I frequently question if what I’m doing in any given moment is the right thing……..the best choice.
I feel called to one thing and yet continue to do another because it seems to make more sense on paper.
Half the time, I walk in confidence.
The other half, I walk in fear.
I have a knack for sort-of walking by faith and sort-of walking in doubt.
I’m a complicated, often wishy-washy, human being who has a tendency to over think everything from what I should wear to who I’m suppose to be.
I’ve wrestled since Nick died with a desire to not walk in all-consuming grief while never wanting to let go of the heartache of missing my boy.
I’ve wrestled since Nick died with a longing to make his short but powerful life still matter while trying to be fully present in the lives of my other kids.
I’ve also wrestled with what I’m suppose to do with all my pain.
I’ve asked, “Was it just the luck of the draw that sent me into a life that included the funerals of two of my kids or is there a bigger plan and purpose in all of my heartache?”
I’ve thought, “Do tragic events happen so the people facing them will become stronger or do people just get stronger as a by-product of such things happening in their lives?”
I’ve met many moms and dads who also ask the same kinds of questions in their own deep sorrow.
I have many friends who wrestle with big life decisions too.
I’ve decided it might not be the questioning or the wrestling that’s really our problem.
It may just be the lack of an awareness of God in all of our tossing and turning that sends us spiraling in confusion.
Everything, even the fights deep within our soul, become easier to bear when we remember He is there fighting and wrestling right along with us.
He’s always there.
He’s waiting for the moment when we’re brave enough to say,
“I’m not letting go of this conflict without a blessing.”
He’s longing for us to realize that with those very words there may also come a sudden and even painful change in who we are when we get up.
Standing up after a struggle often leaves us shaky.
Like Jacob, who wrestled with God years ago, our walk may include a limp as we step forward in a more confident faith.
That’s where I’m at today.
I’m confidently walking forward, fully aware that I’m not the same person I was even a month ago.
An uncertain future.
Stepping out of a boat into uncharted waters.
A new chapter.
These are all phrases that describe my life at this very moment; and while I’m a little wobbly, my heart is filled with a peace I haven’t experienced in such a long time.
Are you wrestling with big questions today?
Do you feel like there are parts of your life that leave your soul conflicted?
Don’t get discouraged in the season of struggling to understand all that has happened and all that is to come.
Trust God even as your hands grow weary.
Refuse to let the battle end without a blessing,
but be prepared for a limp.
Be ready to wobble as you step forward in a more confident faith.
It’s in the unstable ability of our own feet that we truly learn to walk in His strength.