Psalm 56:3-4
When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?
This has been a favorite verse of mine for a long, long time…….
I remember saying it over and over again in my head when we were waiting for the “next bit of news” about Nick’s health, thinking that no matter what an onocologist or surgeon said to me….I did not need to be afraid. My trust was in God and in His Word.
When Nick’s health began to diminish so quickly, and I began to face the fear of losing him, this verse took on a new meaning as I heard news from hospice nurses and pallitive care doctors. No matter what they said, I still knew my trust was in God and in His Word.
Finally, Nick breathed his last breath. As we all gathered around him to say “good-bye,” I remember thinking, “When I am afraid, I will trust in You….”
And I had to say the rest in my heart…..”In God whose Word I Praise!”
Even today I find myself saying the words of these verses as a way of getting through days filled with grief.
I have to realize that until God calls me home I am going to HAVE to face each new day with strength and purpose……not living in fear.
Believe me, the devil still wants to rack my body with fear. Olivia being extra tired makes me feel anxious. Erich leaving in just 10 days for an entire summer in Africa………a trip that required us to fill out papers concerning the organization’s policies on hostage situations and even the death of a college student while on the trip……takes my breath away at times.
And the list goes on and on.
Tonight, as I type from my “old bed” in my mom’s house, I am feeling the fear of public speaking.
Tomorrow I speak at a women’s brunch in Bowling Green, Ky. I feel fear……
I never feel adequate enough to speak at these types of events.
I begin questioning every Scripture I’ve chosen, every story I’ve decided to share……..
So for tonight, I’m just confessing.
I’m nervous.
Praying I’ll remember Psalm 56 tomorrow,