I have felt so wordless lately.
Literally, out of words.
It happens to writers from time to time.
They even have a name for it…..They call it writer’s block.
When my students struggled with what to write about on “Free Write” days at school this year, I would often say something like, “Just write about the fact that you have nothing to write about and before you know it, you’ll be writing something!”
And usually, if my students gave this a try, they discovered that, “sure enough,” they ended up with some type of writing!
So tonight, when Olivia, Maria, and I got home from the Gungor concert at KCU, I decided that I was going to write something even if I couldn’t think of anything to say.
So, I pulled out my laptop (which honestly I’ve been avoiding more and more often this summer in exchange for time outside in my garden or by the pool) and opened up my blog software.
I told myself that even though it’s after midnight and I’m getting up at 4:15 a.m. to help Olivia and Tim get out the door for a little two-day father/daughter trip to Cedar Point, I am going to post SOMETHING on my blog!
I thought about just rambling on about what we’ve been up to our house, but who needs to hear that?!?!?
I thought about doing my own kind of free write in which I would write about not having anything to write about and then just see what happens by the end, but that kind-of scared me! Who knows what I might end up saying.
So I sat and stared at the screen for a while and kept thinking, “I have no words. Where are my words???”
AND THEN It HIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smack-dab in the middle of my eyes, I’m almost certain I felt a twinge of pain!
My blog is not about MY WORDS!
I’ve gotten to this place in my writing several times in the past four years.
This place in blogging where……
My words become the central focus of my blog.
My stories replace His story.
My personal journey dominates over the journey we are all on together.
My words somehow take precedent over His Words.
And when I reach this place, I just lock up.
I find it difficult to keep up with my own kind of words.
Will the next post be funny enough? serious enough? helpful enough?
These kinds of questions start rolling through my mind when I begin to write, and I find myself simply NOT wanting to try………..
So I end up thinking, “I’ll just write something later this morning or maybe this afternoon or maybe late tonight.”
And the next thing I know, it’s the next day and I have not written……..
So, tonight, even though I’ve managed to write too many words without having a real purpose, I am thankful that I began writing.
It has been in the pouring out of my pointless words that I have once again been reminded of the reason I began blogging in the first place.
I never intended for my blog to be all about me.
I meant for it to be all about Him, and how He comforts me, encourages me, transforms me, convicts me, challenges me, and on and on and on………….
So tonight as I began to write about my loss of words, God reminded me of the power of His.
I’m reading a book right now called, “Passages: How Reading the Bible in a Year Will Change Everything For You.”
I spent most of my adult life “trying” to read the Bible through in a year, but honestly, I would get to the sacrifices in Leviticus and find myself shutting down emotionally.
The next thing I knew, another year had ended; and I had not reached my goal…..again.
So the year that Nick passed away, I determined that I was not going to let this happen anymore.
I ordered a chronological Bible, and disciplined myself to keeping up with the reading dates suggested throughout the Bible.
I am thankful and humbled to say that since 2009, I have successfully completed reading the entire Bible through once every year.
So, when I saw the book, “Passages,” I wanted to know what the author knew about Bible reading.
Maybe it’s this type of focused reading that has helped me walk the road of grief!
Whatever the case, I wrote tonight mostly to let you know that I have not stopped writing!
I just need to refocus the “why” and the “what” of my blog writings.
Until then, know that I love you and pray for you daily!
Please keep my dear friend Martha in your prayers. She is in Houston awaiting her surgery (which has been scheduled for July 12th) and doing a few more rounds of chemo before then.
I’ll keep you posted about Martha.